what the hell is going on?

dear future self, i hope that things are going better for you. right now, i'm not doing so well. i'm throwing up every fucking thing i can, but now it has come to a point where even when i eat a lot, making myself throw up is completely not working. nothing will come up, even when i know there is plenty to come up. its frustrating, i feel very stuck right now, very hopeless, very helpless. i have a cough. i have vertical cuts on my wrists from last night, in the bath. i called sam and adam tonight, i miss them. derek called and invited me to a movie tonight, i couldn't go. but mom and i didn't fight. i decorated my room tonight, i am once again losing myself in the lord of the rings soundtrack, i miss the hardwood floors. i'm having those thoughts again. hey i crave the human touch too, i am longing for some love. have you found your love yet? are you keeping to your new years resolutions? have you gone ice skating on the pond yet? have you written ines, have you written joana? are you still in love with mr. donna? has anything happened with him? what is going on with you and natasha? hey do you still hang out with pete and them? how are things going with beth and therapy? how are you? really? i hope you are better than right now. because you are cold and lonely and afraid, really you are. you are more afraid than ever. you are afraid of losing what you have already lost, pound and pound, you are afraid of neglect, of not being liked, of failing, of disappointing. you are tired but inspired, you are ready for change. have things changed? sincerely, your past self.