things you prayed for.

it's taken me a while to sit down and actually write this. busyness, and reluctance to play with fate. destiny, whatever. i am still unsure, but risking it. it is the moment that deserves to be remembered, after all, i want to remember the moments as what i have; what i have had all along. i know where i'd like to be, i'd like to have travelled across oceans and mountains and volcanoes and made it back home in one piece. i'd like to maybe have written some things i'm really proud of, i'd like to be starting a masters degree and maybe have a little more of a clue about what might be coming. just a little. struggling as i always do, wrestling with words so i do not end up giving myself a list of dos and don'ts. gold stars and detentions, depending on where i am at the exact moment i recieve the email i sent myself a year ago. i cannot possibly know my future self, i don't know what i'll need to hear today-in-the-future more than any other. what wisdom i have now will have been tempered by many other things, more weddings and birthdays and deaths. is it so foolish to want to try to project? i'll risk sounding young, cynical, naive, crazy. because what i write now is now, deserves to be recorded as such. a moment; photographed, clear, fast-forwarded to this time next year. who knows where i'll be, what i'll be doing, but maybe i need to be reminded of now, of this small ephinany. glimpses of where i came from, a little of the story that took me forward to then. past into present; what you carry always comes with you. i wrote myself three notes this week. one is post-it containing the words "you are more transparent than you think you are". the others are longer, i talked of changes in season, the tilting autumn sunlight, the crazy weather. i wrote of always waiting for something, caught between looking forward and looking back; a flux of uncertainty. the rain falls quietly, like a lullaby. i think of my story, of other people's stories, the things that makes us essentially us. a little crazy. today sees me carrying past and present sadnesses across my chest. unsure, unsteady, waiting, longing to not be waiting. maybe this will makes sense later, next year, tomorrow. who knows, really? these are moments, moments you can only hold on to, trying not to forget. happy september 6th 2005, futureme. i hope you're still this crazy.