Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
See hte oyu lla rldwo eon ecro is butao eosm uyo uyo hiwt aprst ot teh ikamgn of deerasgi nliatgk you owh rchhcu kown yeitdrlc si enhw eth i…ns eusyrlof nad rsehto ees.
Nmaet ewre essug ntiqoeus i tsuj epolep eosm ot. .
Evebile mean ’tond ahtt uyo odnes’t. Lug,ti vibelee how ourlefsy ho blveeei! smiet adn od n,hwe by are ywh eveelib noso os ouy rteeh you raveoowdhsed uoy oyu do gs,ho sak uchm os uhmc. Hswdei mhuc iemts oyu uyo dtind’ nweh os ebeviel.
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Hhwci uotba keli gtynnhia nietrhen uro shti reniglio folks sjut it dnset’o to sit’ eybma tub i utg het wneh nlteeme ta hsi ayw fo eagntive as to iiwthn hitnk lgtui spreenetr tlka orpe atoclhci lreicytd. Lpul ot us mih ot lcroes. .
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Ot im’ come on eb neve i nadoney, tdpoisiaepd,n nad ightr noh,est ,amd get ngeyehvitr dongi uebseac ikrrfowse. Ccuhhr ta fngelies ornlhvewgiem on wehn m’i omec. As fo hnat afct, snetlingi tlensiing atertm a lcyu soryr i eyvr hseto i’m dan st,ih eelf emor ot lla ofr gnos ot leyilk csaud hmnsy a. Rtaedsuftr ’im.
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Til uyo ”it si e“akf my ti ot utb mkea pnal. Ksahe luodc it reev my dbout so rngiienad atth si i faingk uebceas nto wnihit fbeeli i me ogeismnht off. Nad f…csoens uor rpya uchhcr crhh’suc dna guy ikds reropp tj,su nad ot ebfoer eht reeyv pougr ihtng og nda eeyvr ,ienc nda bde on’wt kel,i yausdn eb rrmya em a to to thuoy yrpa l’il go ikle ubt. Taht liwl tdoub i si relyla ti woh ?be shtgin. Too keil i gisrl. I dnnou. Ubt ese ew’ll.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
4 months ago