To New Beginnings

Dear FutureMe, Today marks a month since I sat upright in bed at 5am and wrote Christine a final letter. It’s been a month and two days since I found the love letter and learned the truth; that she was having an affair. It’s been nearly two months since the last weekend we spent together – a weekend that I now know was filled with lies. Our four year anniversary, no less. It’s been the worst, worst winter on record. My days have been lonely and sad and long and terrifying. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to die from the grief and pain. I’ve never, ever suffered this sort of trauma before. All at once, I love her (was in love with her, am falling out of love with her), miss her terribly, and hate her, I HATE her for manipulating me and deceiving me and cheating on me and falling out of love with me. And treating me so badly it takes my breath away. In my strong moments, I can feel myself getting better. I can see that the space she and all of these emotions occupies in my body and soul is getting minutely smaller each day. I can feel that happiness and strength and healing are creeping in and filling that space. I have moments where I can envision a happy life without her. In the space of a month, I found a new apartment, moved in, found new friends, started running and losing weight, got a promotion, and am creating a life independent of that relationship. And going on a date with a sassy lawyer tonight. I surprise myself every day! And in my weak moments, the movie reel takes over and I’m paralyzed by remembering the letter, by imagining her with Lindsey, imagining her lying to me. No one has ever treated me so badly, and I can’t stop my imagination from running wild. It’s so awful – and I berate myself for doing it to myself – and end up miserable. All I can do during these bad moments is try to get through them. All I can do is check out, tell myself to breathe, to feel the pain and just grimly put one foot in front of the other. During the next month, I want to keep seeing friends and making new friends, I want to successfully run a 5K and keep training for a 10K. I want to think about going on a few more dates. I want to get plenty of sleep, and decorate my new apartment, and cry a little bit more than I have this month to let out some of this grief. I want the space she occupies to grow ever smaller, but I also want to forgive myself if it doesn’t happen as quickly as I want it to. I want to have good days and bad days. I want to walk home with a smile on my face. I want to laugh and enjoy spring in NYC like I never have before. I want to excel at my job. I don’t want to initiate or have contact with Christine. And maybe, just maybe, I want to have sex. I want to heal. We’ll see how I do. Elisabeth