A letter of hope from March 2nd, 2018

Dear FutureMe, This week has been a rough week. You got annoyed at a few things, that in retrospect even now seem a bit stupid, and things got out of hand. When you talked to Chris about it, you got defensive, you got emotional and you spent far too much time working yourself into an emotional frenzy over it all. Most importantly, you nearly destroyed what you have been building with him. You put him on edge, made him nervous of anything that might upset you. You caused him to second guess if things were ok and pushed him into a place where every choice seemed like the wrong one. He wasn't angry at the reasons you were upset, but the way you brood and fester was the problem. Your choice to dwell on the problem and lose yourself into it is the issue. An issue you need to resolve. The hardest part was when he said that he felt this was a brick wall we couldn't get around. I think that may have been the first time Anesa saw you cry. I hope you don't remember how that moment felt, but I also hope you do. I hope you remember it and use it to make sure that doesn't happen again. This week you took your first steps toward dealing with this event. You referred yourself for counselling, recognising that you are likely suffering with depression more strongly again. You talked through events with Anesa and Becky, and even Jack, recognising two truths. Firstly, you were not wrong to feel how you did. But secondly, you were wrong in how you dealt with it. That distinction is something you need to work on. How you feel is understandable, and is to some extent beyond your direct control (you are a product of your experience and that cannot easily be changed). How you react and deal with it is entirely in your power and up until now you have made poor choices. To that end, you have made some decisions. Today you decided to continue using this service, this ability to push things forward in time to access later. When things disturb, upset or annoy you, write it down, send it forward a month or two and leave the situation until you receive it again. Tell Chris, if this is not entirely enough, but do not dwell. As foolish as it sounds, leave it until tomorrow. You also decided to begin a Tumblr. RecklessRuminations. A way of expressing these emotions without forcing them on those around you. Channel them into something new. Something creative. Get back into poetry. Writing is the one thing that has held you fast and you need to reconnect to that. Let this be your chance to rediscover yourself. I hope that when you read this, you look back and know that this was something you needed, however hard it was at the time. I hope that you have moved forward and strengthened both yourself and the future you are working towards. I hope you have found a way to deal with things better. And Chris, if you're reading this, I hope you can see how much I have changed. Thank you for putting up with me, for being there even when you had every right to leave. I hope I have made it worth your time and effort.