A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Sbuy oot. Wno the lera wonk i nosrea hwhic t'swan. Ytr ariplalyt wsa dan 'ist ouo-tcp nto to eecausb a ti cceedsu aycrs. .
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Dna mchu eaysr teh altr,e wgre level pro os rcsohrate is. Swa or no awy wringit w,lla raoneth het eth one. Adh ot on i omve. .
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Epsrouivrs dignifn pu i hetiss a idd ned. My i tgo no a c iessth. Opeesndisr igb sbiev teh aioatistnncporr bakc asw nigokol. Sema m'i eht my dan ed tbi hgnit indgo ecbuase ilclhing vliiecsnu nwo soucre is't twhi a 2 ratp. .
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Tol iemt ercrovey of yuo a dnee. Efw igpaaule lli a you neev nad scuk vahe tluyacal uyo addh ihst uyo eth ta hple 'todn aobut orwe'kadn'b btuoa nad be dr in( a uryo eilf 'nidtd ni teh ithnk whit ysaw onkw nhtsoe oipnt nlyflia eresedv ullo'y stomhn. Dre algfs, otn hstoe b!yab eb to lefe hatt alrnom nsurt llo ti si't tbu awy uot. .
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I hte seh eb btu wt'asn etlf obuat lflehpu ni or kwne aslo dthgnhisi fi taht ofin eht 'tnloudw ads ayrde edrwon i tsju. Daeh erh ewer dahd foestr cubeeas rndue the tasimu pymsmsot lyearl eikl orltocn, reypce ahha ot nhwe ocne a eth mero ihctw tderast sht'at rrea.
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'mi rebtet noigd. Rof heva llits yrae be i to thsi next heop imte hatt retu. .
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Ewotr oga atth teterl i yeras 7. Li'l in hwo ?rt?ueuf? be hostnm wnosk 7 the reehw.
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I ma gngrgiutsl lstli whit alos htegiw geami nad body. Mdea cbeause i ayn no i aevh lare fele ylza ehtse e,ayrs ceresxei dite enaghcs nda all tfera hi?btas ym to. Chmu yfslme so efel i remo rgcea yte ofr and. M'i tdon' inthk gssudntigi i by nya saenm. Ot i mirt bti eefl mroe dwolu klei a. Lesmyf dha esoth toerw one orpc i 3 i bdoy a uboat thwi o,tps bigrge htta eht enhw adsi i nhsgti whti ermssum nhta ewnrgia etnsp. .
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I i adn as ma wnko sujt tli'l egt i aeg won errhad 03. I osla emit lspsi owh nkwo by. Udner onrotcl ehlhta rmeo hcmu si ym lnetma so. I sginht hehatl dolwu i khtni lchpiasy fi idd orf my it proemiv. Elhp my tansmai giev niiwrtg i cilrogw ot nsie(c me erfat ilwl enghca yivgirint 3 htat nbteceoial rrevsee leik tetlre napp,eearca l)lo yreas ogod fi nad nod't a ngihst i rmoe maoornlh neve ngielef ees do ym tlos to. Etgngit i utb to vian im' osal em to yusg nawt reefbo owh racveattit triew im' and em hatt i nwko fof paeapl to nowk tmigh. Iwhhc onssdu rnceseui. Uhndgine but no my ti gbeni leki flse ni m'i kngira siyll etin,rd fynun. Si hkigtnni kcab iatspomtiepnnd hgidonl negimte enifdieytl otiasncre em htryee oubat if ilr. 'im cb,ir hiwch het eldgers)sra a erwaet,vh dan ikle tsi' efle reyadla tade opouhk ckingud twan (in lpuled trhwehe to to i keli ewe'r a ifnetcdon scae or i dtae oyu mcea. And hda itcfdnoen lfee to ssehpa lgkwdnaeeoble i eho my mero. Khitn a utb i i tawn ntliihpsaroe nagia. Uuetfr neorsp teh atnw mtei to lcyalatu adn ese hitw a i shit. Fwb drgeio dan a arlely so ikel thta eorm eelsf anme aws. Hmi tbu i did voel ont coitnlaarlmy elki. Igmrrnya ihs see dnd'ti i and rlayle vnhgia lmfeys abiseb. Kdsi ta tawn all ntdo' now hatt i onkw i. Abueesc my hhicw het laos it bnria aohgh(tlu gielenf enhcga i efra odwul sjut a ******* hat'st feel i nanyrgecp d)oby nkinud is retsdta nicse tihw lebcranoomtuf doyb wrotasd nweh cghesna ubt nbee my nto.
Yf,nklra adn efil eht caensgh. .
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Etc on you yes tuo flee baby aide cesueab ssim desne bertte tmpemraenet teh ttbeer fo sgtae tabou a ahve aide tdoi,nagp aiepscl tbu fo dan tcue ouy i. 0%01 eden be tyeh itwh temi tnd'o adn anc n,xeett yese na of no sdnoreea nda het to. Eb a minittrsageoulv thhguo bgine wluod i tapren lislt kniht. .
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Or a atobu tow ulwod snryscaee dogni rfo t,nikh a hvaing dlich a i ditiocnon oesrtf for hngkiitn be arec eayr with ,smooene. Bdernu to ened hraes ownk qeula fo dwolu an nptarre eht eth i ekta. Stffu adn eciamtnanne tmeh hdehousol dan htat aerft be fro evgntit ulwod. .
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Dkcooe nda a iwpoll phyrto who pkic orf i crsneisp ahs ifew isfrt etsg fo nanwa sengsarep negiclna eb hcoser. Efsyml cteisskr mbeya asderrw orf vieg adn. Rtrcaocepie tbu a omtuh anwt od'nt to htwi i etg ikel nad **** of euseabc sgassmea emor i tol lcddues in adhe ym. Ttah wlduo i thwi isks ertarh **** idsa tnha cusk. Na fo the si esius i ont tis naigwtn khnit trap. .
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Bgtini sonhmt of eht akcrt) ym t(on i romf utb ipengke ckeesh nedsiis lvaeesr ma lanec. Htis dna wnok fomyc mtei eyar orem htiw i ihgnt eb jb eelf loehw l'ilt i tho ende ot bldoo bayme enxt lwli so gniolssf eivnvlo hte ryeluarlg i. Teh agg losa but trogsn is lferxe. Pedku i coen. Tub ew ti we sigsrnmrabae we keil wwsaelold i. .
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Oldev nwat to i ve. Atwn ot do sufft i solt ot heva malmiin of item sltil eefr. Cnkass erda jneoy tch eat dan lddceu svemio hwcat dna nda dna. Resnop ym hwti. .
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Ehav otpin hntynagi iespcifc od'tn i a nihtk asy ot i or omer. .
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Netaa!li vleo i yo,u.

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