A letter from March 29th, 2017

Dear FutureMe ~ This is what I received from March 29, 2016. Not much has changed, sadly... ============== "Dear FutureMe, This has been a difficult year. So much has changed since last June. If I could, I'd go back and make things different; better. The boys are growing so fast. I sometimes wish the days away hoping for better ones, but I don't want them to grow up. J and I are struggling. V wants to come "home" from AZ. There's no room for her and quite honestly, I don't want her living with us again. She'll be 21 in a couple of months. She needs to save for a car and a place to live. It was terrible when she was there. She and her dad get along so much better now. I can't take anymore. Both cars were in accidents this month within 2 weeks of each other. M may be partly responsible for one, but the other wasn't his fault. He was hit from behind. Still... 2 accidents. I can't believe my bad luck. One car and 6 people isn't easy. Thank goodness the boys have their dad. I hate that though. Work has been very busy for the past few months. It will probably slow down a little, but then there will be summer tasks to get ready for incoming students. The whole DCF business has really gotten me down. Tonight I start a 12 week anger management class. I'm hoping by the end of June we'll be finished with DCF and never see them again. I said that last time though. Things have to change at home. I need to change and take better care of my emotional needs. I have no hobbies anymore, no friends, no close family. I'm sad and lonely. Me" =================== Today... Tomorrow marks 10 years that Mom passed. I still think of her all the time. I try to let the boys know things about her so their memories will stay with them. I miss her. Work has been difficult. I've been so busy that I've gotten behind and people are noticing. So much so that they're telling my boss. Which really irritates me. Come to me! Don't get me in trouble for Pete's sake. My boss doesn't even greet me in the morning. My light is on and my door is open, but nothing. I mean, I'm blocked off a little by the wall, but I'm still here! Etiquette - the last time I checked - is that your boss greets YOU. It's not the employee who is supposed to seek them out to say good morning. "I" say good morning when I come down the hall. Most of the time, my boss isn't in before me, so I don't get to do that. I get by-passed. I'm doing my best to catch up, but there are so many little things that pop up all day long that I'm still having trouble. I'm working with a young boy with nonverbal autism. He's a sweet thing most of the time. He has services with goals to help modify his behavior. I think I see a little progress, but it's going to take a while. I like the job though. He's really into puzzles, but he's kind of off them right now. It makes interacting with him tougher. I have to bring things to the home to get him to engage more. The other day I brought play-doh. He played for about 5 minutes - which is typical. So I have to find more things. His mother lets him use his tablet, so unless it gets taken away, he focuses on that only. Huh, I guess I need to start taking it away and out of sight. It's a shame that I have to bring my own "tools" to work with him. Oh well. Nothing expensive... I started that job in late January. He should be receiving services for quite a while. It pays very well for a p/t job. DCF sucks. They're back. Because one of the kids said something to someone at school and they're mandated reporters. I'll bet it isn't even the truth or it's half-truths. What will happen? I'm not leaving MY home, that's for sure. And I'm certainly not going to go to any programs. I'm so done with that. Leave me alone! J is no longer drinking. Thank goodness. Things have gotten better for us, but he still holds grudges. He says that 99% of our arguments are because of me. That's not possible in my eyes. He doesn't let me finish a sentence and then I get upset or louder. He doesn't like that. He tells me "you could have handled the situation better". Gee, thanks. I have to have an ultrasound of my thyroid tomorrow. I probably have nodules. I need to clear my throat constantly. And I start sweating just doing the simplest things. It's so annoying. Everyone is freezing and the back of my neck is wet. Yuck. Still no friends. I have work acquaintances, and I really like them, but one person is more friendly with another. I'm the 3rd wheel. It sucks. I'm lonely. I still have no hobbies and nowhere to go, really. Shopping, I guess, but I need to pay off bills, not make more. The boys are 14 & 17 now. I try to get them to do things with me, but I'm "Mom" and they're teenagers. I just want them to have good memories with me. I'm hoping to get them to Florida to see Mark. I hate to go in the hot weather, so maybe next year around this time. It's a good goal to work toward. Thank God for therapy and medication. It helps, but a friend close to home would be nice too. Donna and I get together a few times a year, but she doesn't have the financial or family issues that I have. She has her own business and works from home. We want to start our own business, but as it always happens, he's all gung-ho in the beginning and now things have fallen by the wayside. I hope that changes. I like the ideas for signs and could sell those and my ornaments (if I ever get to making more) at craft shows. I guess that should be my new hobby. See you in a year... Me