A letter from July 13th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, um so je devrais probablement ecrire en francais mais fuck that because my french has progressed (too little for the year ive been here) but i'd rather write in english now. i think ive started writing a bit better too. sorry this thing is all over the place, real stream of consciousness type stuff huh. thats the sort of shit you, I, like though. i mean, even though youve never really been able to write that sort of stuff. I mean me, i've never been able to, because who knows maybe you (you of the future) can write that sort of stuff. who's to say really. maybe youre moving forward in leaps and bounds (excuse the idiom you know how much i love them) or maybe youve regressed. i hope to god you havent regressed. ANYWAYS how are you? from here, in the fucking heat with a stuffy nose and dry cough, im dying to know how you are. hopefully you're not as uncomfortable as i am right now. i dont fantasize an awful lot about the future anymore, funny enough. i can barely see past the summer, to school. i cant really get a clear mental image of what my future looks like anymore. i most have funny daydreams about being a fantastic, amazing, clever, applauded person. showing a whole bunch of people up (at the same time but we both know all those people will never be in the same room together). but you already know all this, youve lived through it. youve documented it. fucks sake, im documenting it right now! still its good to reflect, to see what sort of mental state past you (me) was in, right? it gives you perspective. RIGHT SO INTERRUPTING WITH A REAL QUICK LIST OF THINGS I LIKE/AM INTO RIGHT NOW (BECAUSE WHO KNOWS IF YOU STILL LIKE THE SAME THINGS AND MAYBE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ALL): - Elena Ferrante (very into her actually; i love her, she writes raw and blunt and violent and i love it) - Ursula K le guin (feminist sci-fi? fuck yeah, shove that up your ass robert heinlein, thats how little i think of you that i wont even google the right spelling for your name), also she is still alive!!!!!!!!!! - well fuck ive already run out of shit lets just move onto ideologies now then - social justice! more than before anyways. classism, racism, ableism, all the isms, social inequality, FEMINISM is a real big one which REMINDS me i still have to read LETS SPIT ON HEGEL i mean the first few paragraphs are dope but i hope by the time youve gotten this email youll have read it (thank you elena ferrante for the reading suggestion), communism and social activism and not that any of this is unique to me but its all very exciting stuff to be getting into when youre young. i mean, im pretty excited about it. -writing!! i'm writing now can you believe it? i mean its all shit, but also not too shit! this is a better letter for past me though because you already know this but past me would never in a million years have thought of actually seriously writing stuff. im lazy though, and if i know myself im guessing you probably are just marginally more motivated than i am anyways, yeah thats pretty much my life right now. ive not had much luck with boys, but thats not too important. and not only is it not important its incredibly embarrassing and im sure the shame of it is seared into your consciousness so ill spare you. right now i really want to make more friends. like expanding my social circle is so thrilling, going to parties getting drunk/stoned and chatting and just being weird but in a charming sort of way and making people laugh. love it. i live for it. and fRIENDS are lovely having friends is really just wonderful. and the fact that people actually enjoy my company and want to be around me just knocks me out every time. i wonder who you know now and who youre friends with now. you know, isnt it kind of sad that we'll never meet? this is the only contact we'll ever have, and it only goes one way. youll never be able to respond to this. i would give anything just to have an hour of your time, just to sit and talk with you. how amazing would that be. you know, i bet if you would be a great comfort in times of pain. i bet i could be a great comfort to past me of 2015. i mean, i guess slowly becoming you is a way of meeting you, but its not the same is it? i want to meet you now, with this brain that i have now! i want your advice, is what i want the most i guess. i want your assurance that things turn out well. if time travel comes around soon, im definitely going out for you first. then maybe ill go back to me and change a couple things around, who knows. and id like to meet jesus, he seemed like a cool guy. and id like to meet the pirate ching shih, and vincent van gogh, and some other people i havent decided on yet. also, how's school? i still havent decided anything, but im chill about it. i feel like i should be somewhat worried but i really cant seem to be bothered to care. not in an apathetic way though, more of a go with a flow type of way. i dont know. ill figure it out