im in idyllwild

Dear FutureMe, i dont exactly know what i want to say here except i am here in CA. Before i left to come out here, ifelt reallly new and strong and like this was going to be the greatest summer ever. And ive only been here a week so i can't realy judge yet how it will be...But it is definitely not as easy to be outwardly true and different as i inwardly feel. I am scared here. I am quieter than a lot of people here and i just feel like i dont know how to make conversation ans engage people and also be open about who i am I am trying to be aware of who i am and not get hung up on my limitations and at the same time push myself to be more. I think that a lot of people here are very confident and easily put themselves out. They talk about any and everything. And they get people to listen That is what i dont understand, how they get people to listen. i might have something to say and sometimes i start to say it but no one seems to hear or be interested or doesnt respond. I think it hasto do with confidence. I dont think i have many interesting stories, or if i think they are interesting i think other people wont so i dont feel the need to tell them. i dont think i am phrasing this well. But the other day we did this thing at a meeting where we wrote or name on a paper athen passed i around the circle of staff and we had to write something nice about each person. A lot of people said that i was very calm and a very good listener. I guess that is what you say when someone doesn't talk because they are forced to listen. But i think it is true, i am genuinely interested in what other people have to say, which is not true of a lot of people. Also someone wrote on my paper-"Honest -Knows you are you and I am me" and that made me rally happy. Because i really do feel like that and it was nice to see that someone else could see it. I always try to remind myself that even though i admire incredibly the people who are totally open and free , that that is not who i am and that that doesnt lessen the impact i have on people. I just have a different way. I am always trying to remind myself that that is OK and i shouldnt beat myself up because i am who i am. I am slow to jump into new things it takes me a long time to get comfortable with people and it is much easier for me to be myself in an environment that i am comfortable with. that is ok. I am sometimes more of a listener and sometimes more of a talker. I do not have to be super consistent i am unique. I know all this i have been thinking about and realizing this for a long time. Somehow this summer it seems to be really present in my life. I guess that is a good thing Love yourself, because i love you Catherine