SPUN

Right now at this very moment all you can think about is your past and how you really haven't done much to improve yourself....You're contemplating whether you want to continue down the already beaten path from two years ago.....you are in love with the high.....even though everything about it is fake and will never stay like that forever....all this fun you're having right now will eventually fade and it'll just be a struggle again just to survive yourself .....this is so sad....you know exactly how this is going to end and yet that still doesnt stop you from unavoidably destroying yourself.....all you want right now at this point in your life is to be loved pretty much by everyone....rejection fucking destroys you...it doesnt matter who it is or why if someone doesnt want you or like you or whatever you turn into this freak that is just out to please everyone.....and then you look around and wonder why you feel so used up...... You're a liar too........come to think of it.....i think you've lied to every person that is important to you in your life at least twice this week....and its not some fucking petty white lie bullshit.....its full on fuck yourslef over lies if you get caught...which of course in the end you will.....one way or another.....once again you already know all this and you still continue to do it.....why? why? why? FACE IT!! YOUR A FUCKING ADDICT.....just admit it already....you're weak and you can't just walk away from it...even after being sober for well over a year and seeing all that you saw and lived and felt and experienced so many amazing things and people---you still think being high is better....Won't someone just "lie to me Give me something worth living for Tell me a reason worth fighting for Give me anything Anything to keep me breathing" What is it that scares you so much? Doyou do this to yourself out of fear....maybe when this is read in the future you will have some answers....hopefully you will still be alive.....remember when you never thought you were going to make it to 18...and you used to laugh at the thought of that....but here you are 19 years old...but still the same...hoping you'll make it to next year in one piece....you dont even care anymore about your stupid fucking rape case......you wish you never even told anyone about it.....maybe.no.of course things would be differnet....but instead they are like this....that stupid fucking guy....you have no clue what happend to you that night....no one really does....but you know...you know something very wrong happened that night....and there is nothing you can do about it at all.....just shove it in your closet with the rest of you ghosts and skeletons and hope it will collect just as much dust as everything else that you can't see it so you won't remember it............i don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life.......my brain and aching body just tells me to go get super fucking twacked out and forget about all this stupid shit......but my heart says.....well..........its says to fucking LEAVE agian....you don't know where....but you know if you run again it'll be a little better.....but youre still running....awww fuck it.....and fuck this stupid letter.....who do you think you are fooling??? NO ONE!!! you are never going to change.......no matter how hard you try....this -this thing-this problem -whatever it is-----addiction ( ugh...i hate that word....only because its the truth) and the truth always fucking hurts.......this shit will always follow you wherever you go.....i cant run forever......but thats all i know.......i'm tired