Hope you've sorted it out

Dear FutureJules, it's 4:30AM. in case you've forgotten, you're a major insommniac in the sad summer of '04. matt hays helped you find this site, through his remarkable IM profile that always seems to have something funny or interesting to make you smile. when you get this, thank him for it. it's supposed to be the time of your life when everything makes sense. but it doesn't. here i am, done with school after 7 long years of work. in those seven years i lived in milwaukee, boston, dublin, dc, north carolina and finally back to milwaukee again. i've been to four schools. i have two degrees. i've lived on two continents. i've had my heart broken too many times to count. i've lost two grandparents. and i lost my sense of direction somewhere along the way too. i used to talk about my "passion." the driving force that made me work my ass off so that i could get ahead. it was what took me to boston, to dublin, to DC. i don't talk about my passion anymore. because i don't feel like i have it. one wish i have for you, FutureJules, is that you have rediscovered the passion. even if it means chasing it to a new city or a new country. my biggest fear is settling for something. settling for a job, a relationship, a way of life. there are too many wonderful things in the world to do and see. i'm afraid of setting down roots. i'm afraid that roots mean i can't explore anymore. i feel as though i'm being pulled in many directions. and each day that passes, i'm afraid that i'm being pulled somewhere i don't want to go. but i'm also afraid of breaking free, mainly because i am going to have to hurt people to do so. i need courage, and i hope that i'll have found it by the time i receive this. i hope that i can think about the good things in my life, instead of focusing on the bad things. i hope i stop feeling trapped. i hope i can sleep. i hope that next year i can send myself a little more cheerful note.