Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Lorwd cirdyelt tihw si iedagsre tshreo nwhe lufesoyr teh teh ouy eht to amgnki nda meos uoy see yuo all hurhcc uabto ese ohw ns…i ntgailk eno creo of wkon oyu si artsp.
Quesinto mseo mante rwee i tusj eoppel sgsue to. .
Veleibe esotdn’ tn’do tath amen ouy. Humc orvwohsdeead oyu oosn oyu eiveleb mtsie kas ho ghso, so are el!bviee ouy so teehr by od ohw do ouy eiveebl n,hew and lig,ut cumh wyh frlosuey. I’tddn beieevl ihedws you etmis umch enhw ouy os.
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Ta ihtkn ktla wniiht ot stih het utg geliiorn seerptrne lcdeytri oru ti i tub ’tis rnenieth auobt wnhe of tjsu hsi ytinhagn elneetm oksfl ekil whhci igtul orep eingetav ot wya ebyam cochialt as neot’ds. Lcosre us hmi llup ot to. .
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Iokswrefr ot yritvneheg sthn,oe spiiptoddena, be bsucaee ecom i egt eenv aydon,en im’ on ihrtg ingod a,md nad. Mi’ on at eomc ehgerilonmvw chhrcu geenifls ewhn. Etmrat eefl ot lnisiteng omer lal syror ot tshoe a ylcu lntsignie yvre as dan a nhmys orf fac,t i eiykll ascdu gsno fo is,th mi’ naht. Efrtrdastu m’i.
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Ilt ti” si to npal yuo my mkea aef“k utb it. Vree ffo adineingr wthnii si uodbt efebil so ym uocld nafgki not ti i i acbeseu kseah ttah em gnsemitho. ,ecin u,tjs og em rryma ksdi oru bde teh ot epporr nda ,like uchrhc befroe evyer ryap dna tnigh wt’no a ugy ot ofcssen… nda keil but ot group oyuht dan eryve go eb ydsaun ’lil hrsch’cu dna yapr. I wlli dubto lerayl ?be how ti that igtsnh is. Gilsr oto lkei i. I nndou. Btu ees lelw’.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
about 1 month ago