A letter from May 05, 2024

am i in over my head? there's so much to say but where do i begin. getting to know you, all of a sudden it felt like a switch flipped. from friendly, plausible deniability flirting, to am i being obvious? to is she being obvious? to is it over now? suddenly i was all in, shamefully all in for you. i miss you so much right now its crazy. its crazy how i have never felt like this before, a pounding in my chest thinking about you, worrying about you, wondering about you. but there's also a calming to my chest. is it crazy to think about our future? im obsessed. obsessed with the way you listen to me, grab my waist first, trail your hand close to mine, with the way your voice sounds, your freckles in the sunlight, your waist in my hands, your small hands in oversized sweaters, in my sweater. music feels different now. it all leads back to you. all these feelings back to you. am i too much? did i obsess and lose you? did i take it too slow and lose you? i think back to when your roommate wondered what was wrong when we just slept side by side that night. did it end for you then? is your flirting just for fun? this is all so scary and exciting. i love being in love. love blabbing about you to others, to practically all of csm, thinking about you time to time and erupting in a smile i dont think anyone else has ever elicited. i love holding your hand while we cross the street. my head on your shoulder after dinner. my arm around your shoulder before lab. i cant help it all. the pounding in my chest thinking about you. the instant smile when i see you across the bridge. the way you listen so closely it makes my hear burst. im afraid this is just obsession but i want it to be love. everything melts away when i spend time with you but im plagued with the thought of what if this is just temporary on my end. what if you're looking for something i dont know how to provide and you already know i cant provide it. but i am serious. i want to hear about your day everyday. hold your hand when we walk. be driven around by you and wander target together. get takeout and nap together after dinner. i am so in love. its crazy how much i want to kiss you and hold you. am i crazy? i want to buy you red roses and hold you as i go to sleep. did i jinx myself telling others about you? should i have kept you all to myself? i want to show you my hometown. spend a day shopping and cafe hopping. spend a day completely with one another forgetting about everyone else. i want to borrow kristine's dogs and use them to walk together with you. i want to kiss your forehead good night and good morning. i think im crazy.