more reflections

Dear FutureMe, well. it's been more than a month since i worked. save more money if you're freelancing, stop paying for everyone when you go out, and stop blowing so much on getting drunk. for health, if nothing else. i am still smoking. if you are as well, quit, you dumbass. for health, if nothing else. i just called Ann, my real mother. we had a 45-minute conversation, a few days after the three-year anniversary of Mom's passing. remember the 15-805 junction at 9pm that night? anyway, talking to Ann was a little weird, if you don't remember. i'm still not quite sure what the point is of re-opening this can of worms. no, i know what the point is -- it's to try and get over trust issues i have in my life. what i'm not sure of is how to get there. what do i say to her? do i want an apology, a more detailed explanation... what? the irony is that the trust i can't give others is because of her, and now it's hampering my ability to talk to her... it's come full circle. about 10 minutes in, i felt like i wasn't really talking to her. it felt like an old neighbor i felt obligated to talk to, because i was asking about her husband, the new house, the new job, the vacation to Europe. i could give a shit. i mean, i want to, but i don't know how. i think i need to bring up the old stuff, the bad stuff again, air it out. i may invite her to LA this week. we'll see how it turns out. the other reason i wanted to write you again is that i'm still thinking about Diana a lot. almost everyday, if not everyday. shit, it's been over two years, i guess, but i still think about her. i think about how cruel i was, about how quickly i can let a good thing go and not care about someone else's feelings. about how hard it is to trust. about how easily i can let someone else's opinion affect my decisions about a good thing in my life. about how tense i was about how my father might perceive her. i mean, there were other things that were affecting my emotional state at the time, namely my mom's death and being so far from what i wanted in my career. but right now, it's been three years since mom's death and i'm much closer to seeing my career blossom. and i still think about her. leo and i were drunk the other night, and he asked me about her for some reason, and i talked incessantly for thirty minutes about how i screwed up and how frequently she visits my mind. then, the next night, she drove by me on 6th street in the blue Volvo. what a trip. i wondered if she saw me. i wonder if she thinks of me whenever she sees a silver Prelude? she turned into the parking lot for Cafe Bleu, so maybe she still works there... anyway, leo and i agreed that unless i am certain my feelings for her are true, that i should keep my trap shut and not try to speak to her. it wouldn't be fair to her for me to utter any words that aren't a thousand percent pure and true. i would much rather live with my uncertainty than hurt her again. so, chin up. and do some of those while you're at it. take your vitamins. no more m. knight shyamalan movies, unless maybe it's someone else's script. keep trying to write. how's Charmin? have you gotten rid of her yet? if you did, don't call Grace; she'll never forgive you. good luck. dan