A letter from Dec 04, 2023

Dear FutureMe, What the **** is going on with your brain right now? I’m actually embarrassed. Logical thinking to the side, I’m going to share my primal feelings. Rejection ******* sucks. I’m making these rejections much bigger than they are. Rejection 1: There was definitely a miscommunication here. I think he thought I wanted to be his girlfriend? Sir, I do not. You were the one saying all of that crap but maybe I was at fault for not intervening early enough and saying “No thanks”. Now I’m here in my feelings thinking about should I say something or leave it alone? Rejection 2: Girl. Be serious. I think I just like the consistent compliments and now I’m sad they are gone. This wouldn’t have worked, he didn’t even read your profile. Why are you stressing over a musician you’ve know for less than 30 days? Girl stand up. You were honest that you did not want to be exclusive so why are you in your feelings that he doesn’t want to date around and does want exclusivity? He’s allowed to feel whichever way. Rejection 3: Okay this could be in my head but the interactions seem… less? I could be making this up in my head but it seems like he’s lost interest in me? But rationally I will say, I don’t give Friday an A+. In fact, I decided I’m not cutting off others after that date because it wasn’t what I had built it up in my head as. We still had a really good time on our date, laying in bed together watching Netflix and talking strategy was a highlight for me. The way he touches my body was a highlight. The *** was solid. I’d definitely do it again. But my brain is analyzing our interactions and thinking that he isn’t texting me like he was prior to us hooking up. It seems like it’s taking longer to respond. The responses aren’t feeling as exhilarating. However; what I can’t access is that if it’s in my head or not. What I want to scream to myself is…You’ve known all these people for literally less than 60 days. Why does it matter? I think I just don’t want to be rejected. I think I take it incredibly personally because there was a lot of rejection growing up and the core belief I took away from that is that I am not worthy. Even though I’ve definitely rejected literally 10 people within this timeframe, I’m still in my feelings about what’s happening with these 3 people. I do not know which route to take and which thoughts are helpful or not. My logical brain says, this is a part of dating…be serious. My childlike brain is says, nobody loves or cares about you. In the end they will reject you. I need to work on this more in therapy. The more I write it out, the more I’m realizing is that I am driven by my fear of rejection. I also don’t know the healthy way to process my feelings. I don’t know which “voice” to listen to. It’s hard to parse things out accurately. Maybe I’ll go do some Thought Work on this.