A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Shti i lslti feneilg i and rea,y oetrw faer ntomter i saw tbu lyvdvii emrmbeer hte sa. Os erew giritnw nmmote eth in you i i hug itsh hwis you odluc.
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Eth dba soonp legnor ihwt asydl, us on ,si. Yoka atth ulfl twno' or te,ertb is't ro dan fo lie yas is eth i oery'u rldow ttah basorinw. Si 'tsi oot eht eiuqt the e,ouhs ueqit anruod htutr. Seh lifedl gre,al ouy dluo ucmh ow'tn unlit het anriyltosep dna reeliza a goen ohw aws tjus ohem atht ehss'. .
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Eterh dab mhnot troew a otasml tsih rae you spsa liwl trafe hes sday waay dahae,. Dfee ehs odse oyu lctdonu' te,hiwg eevn hnew kthin dna stae she dfee bylsoisp htat uyo ehiwl ehnguo erh nda hre seh lseo. Dab a ooiesgspnrr r,he orev yda na'tc lows lal sit' tasl uoy labizstei to eboerf ti's stdaye eno nda. Utb dab tno lal sti' ewsn. Ear aysd os d!ysa iygdn ualcaytl og,od s'seh you ereth ogdo oergft. Seh rwhee tge she dan ot erh hgtsfi uyo nroalm nad is etp dan ysda eclddud reh oemr ekli hpyap sdya uyo saet self eewrh. Nda uyo ookl eb tohse ihtng onwk kbac atth uyo ilwl on eth lwil did adys htat it trghi.
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Nreev gte het 'im yaphp moyrnall ,that ysa and hiwt ader luloy' wokn 'anct okya i ot i m'i hiwel shti taht aeccnh. I tirhg i igtnh ruaesser atht gdion hisw teh oyu uclod eu'yro. Eerf my in cuylkiq speass seh niap oii,nnpo dan,. Seh hfserel have llwi the hre gtinh to nidrk teh ehwn eth onwk ton heav she last rbaeyl llwi wokn otn si and o'lylu uoy 'sti ilwl iths ly'luo eta, tiwh tesnghrt aslt hdlo lilw ,up hse h,tign. .
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Siwh uclod ta oyru ro oy'lul to hre olean iwll act ttah tlsae uyo hte olev elfe ebosn ilwl and ti meti rhe eb it nad vyre uoy ss'eh ont saupe ouy nda eltl ko,ya ekpsa. She aslt will ietm evrey tlsa tyr edb tesnghrt on of tbi eth seu esh mujp to sah nad eno hne,t. Meotmn mntoem whti scitk eakm osnwk eht uoy 'its lzeaeri etim to ygbeodo esh ay,d o,dugrn to ffo eth ti its' even oot itsh taht ubt yuo twn'o sya that llwi ehs. .
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You lagd me owert ,ertelt i'm hsti yetrlu. Awy ot yoln het ehav etgrre on asrusree eth is yuo aotub ttha vhae i i iatsuinot. Onhtm semioerm whti lacs,pyilee in ttah lsat a aedm fo tielemfi her uoy. 'eovlcdu ouy ntikh reom daske orf i eth ssuactcmirenc dnt'o given. I ,you to seh reetbt had utb eeivble too ilef ,lovde hda ofr i and nawt tath a i oogd hes kenw swa wshi snew. Rsufleyo 'tndo leaeps eb no dhra. Oyu hatt cdluo kabc orem and uyo t,i ifedlnyite onikolg all no ddi.
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Uefetrmu.

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