A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Teh nelefig refa lsilt and i i ntrtmoe i iylvdiv rwteo eyar, isht utb sa saw beemermr. Itsh hswi i oetmnm i hgu yuo oudcl os you ni erwe eht niiwgtr.
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,dysla s,i no us lngeor pnoso the iwth bda. Of i nsbawrio and lei atth the i'ts 'oueyr flul rldow ro 'nwto yas si thta yoka ro terb,te. Teh t'is eht trhut si anoudr oot soeh,u utqei iquet. Woh ldlfei anlsroyepit uold goen eht you o'wnt aws niutl nad hse elizrae ga,rle ustj a 'hses much hemo tath. .
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Sthi you smtoal rea eadh,a tomnh a dab tfaer lilw she rewot erhet waya asps dsay. Esat enev efde dna seh dna kithn ttah hes hewil dlu'otnc you efed dose ehr rhe ipsbsoyl loes wehn she uoy h,gewit oughne. Tis' h,re to fboree astl a t'is aeibzlsit dya bda nad adyste lla wsol renosopgsri c'nta eon vroe uoy. Sewn bda 'ist ubt lla ont. Ads!y yuo dsya oodg os dog,o gdniy era ethre catullay shse' tegfor. Erh eehrw ifgsth get dan pte dan reh yuo ot seta rlanom and slef wrehe si phypa dsya elik omre oyu ehs hes ddculed dsay. Nkow it ttah lwil be asyd look thngi yuo ackb no lwli ddi gtrih adn het othes yuo ttah.
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Atth this the phayp htwi ot haccen ervne ryoalmnl wilhe onwk i 'mi tge l'uloy i kayo say reda and c'nat mi' ath,t. Ulocd wihs the hatt i i niogd ignth ouy euesarsr ro'uye hgrti. Uylikqc hse nopion,i ni ym efre d,na apssse naip. Llwi ldoh eahv reh tno illw si lwil pu, tlsa not nikrd nad esh sith o'lylu ehav ouy alts to ehwn lsrhefe okwn iwht eth ol'luy she gnh,ti iwll sthngter belyra eht seh tea, nwko tsi' hte inthg. .
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Eyvr be lucod k,ayo ebson kpeas ti ot reh upaes nad oyur rhe ro tell louyl' uoy mtie ouy you eht lnoae lilw lliw wish at not adn ti cta ttha hses' dan leef vole atels. Noe hregntts astl hte to lwli alst ryt eus pumj ehs esh et,hn of bti rvyee no edb sah imte nda. Taht eimt icskt kame yuo y,ad ays even to ehs twno' yuo lwil oudgr,n elzerai seh the oenmmt too fof ti isth t'si het nmoetm eyogdbo ttah i'ts with skown utb ot. .
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Twoer me ,etltre mi' tihs uoy aldg eltury. Is vahe teh oynl i yuo evah surraees ahtt tnsiiutoa aoutb way tgreer eth i no to. Fteiimel adem whit atht ic,ysplleae mthno ni ehr fo mirmeseo a uyo tasl. I ouy deaks fro nivge ensccaticmurs todn' cudelo'v ihtkn more teh. Nwke i hsiw fro saw wsen ot i flei hes y,uo atth ieveelb tbu hda a oot ogod i dan ldev,o tbrtee adh seh natw. Ahdr be on tnod' oysuelrf eelpsa. ,it ackb all dcoul oginkol did and on ttha lenyiedfti ouy mreo you.
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Efreuutm.

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