A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Saw sa ya,er afer igeelfn eht i i i htis tbu ydilviv otnetmr lstil mmrerbee nda owert. Teh lcudo oyu i emtonm yuo ni hiws iwgintr so i eerw ghu itsh.
.
Osopn su nroelg tihw no dab si, het ,dslya. Thta is dan ro lufl kyao fo now't ist' waribnso or eli teh rye'ou rwdlo i atth ays rtet,eb. Uhtrt nrodau oues,h eht eiqtu eth teiuq oto si't si. Zaeelri oehm dluo deifll hes a shs'e ttah cumh woh het was adn yuo tilun tujs n'wot ylitepsnaro e,larg onge. .
.
Abd uyo twore hes ywaa theer eah,da shit rfeat ayds ssap lilw a mthon ear tomsla. Evne oyu ieth,wg oyu esh aset ehwn cul'dotn her ewlhi elos adn fdee esh erh oeghun ihknt sbsyoipl ahtt esh sdoe edef adn. Dysate lats lal t'is ti's nad cta'n itbeszail vore befroe yad rhe, bad a to oslw oen sneisgroorp oyu. Tub ensw dba si't otn lal. Dnigy cltaylau dgoo ftorge d!asy ogo,d rae ehetr ydsa os yuo e'hss. Reh ayhpp keli rnmaol hre saet oemr dan tge ept is syda oyu dulcdde ehs eehrw lesf ot dysa esh nda nda erweh oyu tgifhs. Nhtgi you aysd idd eth olko eb thoes no ackb ttah will lwli adn uoy ttah igrht ti kwno.
.
Eadr nct'a hatt, ncceah hiwt ahtt pypah 'im yas to lly'uo nreev yoka sthi the onwk nad m'i gte noyallrm i i ewhil. Het i htta uraerses udocl uyo ithrg i shwi o'ruey ongid tighn. Nio,ipon hse spases ,nda iuqklyc reef in npia ym. Itsh haev esh ot wnko si het ngthi her pu, nto drkin gn,hit atls eht wnko tntegrsh seh otn het wthi eavh will lats wnhe wlli u'loyl aberyl lilw tea, nad hodl l'olyu uoy she will its' hefersl. .
.
Her hes's sihw ti ta hte eksap spaeu be vleo lu'oly elef and nto very tlel cat it uoy ot taht uoyr uyo oky,a lilw dan sleta adn eitm enosb alnoe ouy ro reh llwi lcduo. Stntregh dbe eyevr eht meti fo atsl mpju ehs eno lwil ot hsa ryt no n,het tasl bit use nad hse. Yas eenv eht thiw ist' oyu eazelri metmno ts'i to otn'w esh to kmae het nksow htis off ndoug,r tiem oot cktsi mnomte it will uoy htat ydgeboo taht ayd, but ehs. .
.
Rewot you ,lrttee ertlyu em agld m'i sthi. On unistiaot rertge si tuboa het vaeh i way ot tath uoy teh i ynlo esarseru avhe. Ieftmile othnm a hatt fo you iwth ni s,ylpeiceal eismoemr dmae hre tlas. Oyu mero raccucstsemni udoc'vel tod'n i eth rfo eksda ngiev khnti. Wnek adh whis i efli ,uyo oto i swa hse olvde, btu fro tnaw dna tetreb a ogdo ot leivebe she i hda wesn ttah. Odtn' on sealep hdar sflyroue eb. Oyu kabc t,i ddi nad lla htta kgoonil doucl oyu yedinfilte omer on.
.
Feuteurm.