A letter from Aug 01, 2023

hi future me, things aren’t going so great rn, i guess. tanzania has been fun but slightly affected by the whole m and i situation. i’m hoping future me will have sorted that **** OUT!!! it’s confusing really. they say one thing and act another way. they’ve been dry for days and we’ve barely ever texted even though i know they’ve been on talking to hannah. i can imagine they’ve been chatting to i as well. it hurts to know that while they’re ignoring me they’re probably talking to her instead. plus,, everything with the lover you should’ve come over and anxious attachment stuff. i kinda wish they loved me the way i love them. the holidays almost over though!! which is good because i so thought i wasn’t gonna get through it all. mainly because of them but, whatever. it’s so so confusing. i don’t know why. i wish they’d be clear. they called me exhausting. i think about that a lot. i could call them exhausting. i could tell them how tiring it is to hear that they’re completely fine and then receive the anger and dryness with no explanation whatsoever. or dealing with them and their ex. or anything else. but the thing is, that it isn’t really tiring. not actually. because i love them, and trying feels like a baseline, yk? apparently it isn’t for them. idk. i’d love them through anything, i think. i’m gonna love them for a while even if they decide to pick her. even if they don’t tell me they pick her. been thinking about ‘always an angel, never a god’ recently. don’t know why. hm. i made a new playlist. i suspect their new one is about her. if it is, the way i loved you being on there is foul. plus the name being moon? they’re the moon to me. why is she the moon to them? i kinda think i need to stop being such a pushover. well, not a pushover, but like. i need to stop letting things slide just because i love someone. but it’s really hard, and i really love them, and i don’t want anything to come between us. everything stings just a bit more because the way they feel towards her is how i feel towards them. they don’t know it, i don’t think. i’d trade all my blood for the sweetness of their laughter. would they trade theirs for mine or hers? ugh. i don’t know. i’m praying future me will have made everything simple again. i’m scheduling this for one month in the future. just in case, yk? hopefully somethings changed by then. bye, future me. i love you. ps. don’t be a doormat. i hope you’ve picked up guitar again. what happened with a and h? did r and v work out? how’s being almost 17? is it any different? maybe you’re more mature. maybe you’ll have figured this out better than i ever will be able to. 💌💌