A letter from May 05, 2023

hey. i know to you i'll seem immature, weak, naiive, innocent. i always do, reading things i wrote long ago. but the truth is, i don't know how much stronger, more mature, more knowing, i could become. i just turned 13. i have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and an ED. i'm trans, and the pain that comes with that is unbearable. i've saved the lives of my friends too many times to count, and i've had my own saved too. i've hurt myself, i've wanted to die so many times, i haven't been truly happy for months. how much more can i hurt before i break? because i don't think i could bear it. i'm barely holding on right now. i've been trying SO. HARD. just to stay alive. i don't think 13-year-olds are supposed to be focused on survival, are we? because this is too much. i wish, i really really wish, i could just exist, not struggle to do everything. every day is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting- and the anxiety takes a toll on my body, too. i feel sick for so many reasons- i haven't been eating, sleeping, drinking...my anxiety tears me apart and my depression blurs the edges. the adhd uses up stores of nonexistent energy, and the ed is just another blow- i've been working out to an unhealthy extent, trying to burn all 600 calories i've eaten in a day. people say ed's are competitive, and i have a few friends (s and b) with ed's, and i love them so much and want them to get better. but it hurts so god**** bad when they eat less than me, work out more, weigh less, look skinnier. it's so god**** competitive, even though i want them to heal. i haven't told anyone about my ed, cause they'll try to get me to heal. and if i heal, i'll gain weight, right? and that's not good. the sick, twisted "happiness" that manifests when my clothes get too big again and the scale's gone down again...that's enough to keep my meals small, my snacks nonexistent, my workouts intense. a regular day of eating- 120 calories for breakfast (overnight oats or cereal) 160 calories for lunch (think! protein bar) 50 calorie "snack" (tea latte) 200-300 calories for dinner (whatever we're having, the smallest serving i can get away with.)