A letter from Mar 14, 2023

I seriously hate feeling like this, no matter how much I ignore it or whatever I do it somehow always circles back to randomly having these mental breakdowns desperately trying to stop crying. I'm so tired of this feeling, I have to wonder what I did to deserve this? I haven't done anything to anyone. I hate this, every time I think I'm starting to get a grip my depression randomly worsens again. I've tried to **** myself so many times I've lost count and failed each time. Why? I can't live but I can't die either. Everyone hates me, they make that painfully obvious so why won't the universe **** me one more time and just **** me already? Theres been so many times where I could've died, but no. I survived each time. It's not fair, the people who want and deserve to live end up dying, but the depressed and suicidal people who desperately want to die live. I'm at a point where I'm tempted to take a knife and **** myself over and over and over and over and over and over again until I can't anymore. At this point I just want someone to **** me brutally. I don't want to live anymore, I never did. I never wanted to live past 11 but here I am, 16 in a few days, still ******* breathing. ITS NOT FAIR WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE ALREADY?! I seriously want to start cutting myself again, every time I remember the happiness I felt with each cut and the adrenalin rush it gave me my temptation only grows. Therapy doesn't help, it only makes things worse, I'm sick of getting them when nothing helps. Everyone says "things get better" but they're liars. They all are. Nothing gets better, it never does, it only gets worse. That only gets proven with each year that passes. I'm so tired of taking these sleeping pills to sleep and taking them again as soon as I wake up. I'm tired of the insomnia, I'm tired of the paranoia, I'm tired of the fear induced hallucinations, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of my friends, I wish they'd just leave me alone, I don't want them. My lifes a mess, I haven't even gone to school since 7th grade, my family hates me, people I went to school with give me dirty looks and talk **** about me both to my face and behind my back. Nobody gives a **** about me, they never did. Why would they? I don't even care about me. I spend more time in the world created in my head than I do in the real one, at least in there I have a family that actually cares. In that world people actually smile when they see me, I can do whatever the hell I want with no judgement. Who wouldn't want to live in a world like that? In that world my mothers dead and the rest of my family doesn't exist. I have an older brother and friends who genuinely love me. Something I never had and never will have in real life. ****, this is so pathetic, I seriously hate this. This is so hard to write, I would laugh at myself if I wasn't crying so damn hard. My fingers might as well have weights attached to them with how hard it is to press these damn keys. I think im just gonna overdose on these sleeping pills and go back to sleep. hopefully it ***** me. Happy birthday future me.