A letter from Mar 11, 2023

Dear 2024 me, This weekend you have to decide between 2 job offers that you think might shape the rest of your life forever. It seems like a mind vs heart situation. One job is made of practical (and creative) skillsets, presents a stable income, is what your grandma would call "honest work", but has little chance of direct career advancement. The other job is as abstract as can be, and will be as anxiety-inducing as can be, but is the pipe dream job you talked about throughout uni. I have literally no idea what you'll choose. It's pretty scary. If only I could time travel forward to meet you and see how it's going, I'd be surer. Or maybe it'll leave me even more confused. Uncertainty has never left my core being all these years, and I don't think you'll suddenly become put together in a year. Or ever. But I think things get better. The last letter I wrote talked about things that still hurt me, but don't affect me as much anymore. Maybe in a few years, what I'm talking about in this letter will also haunt me less. Maybe actually, no matter what I choose, I will be truly happy in some way, and also truly miserable in others. With the first job, I'll be proud to have a 'proper' means of living, with steady money for a few years, but it will be a whole new environment again. One I have to re-navigate painfully for the first 2 years. With the second, I'd be neck deep in exactly what I love and care about, but the circumstances will always be tough. I'll constantly doubt myself, and have to hide it. I'll be exhausted out of my mind. We're never meant to be in stasis. We're always supposed to want more. But I don't want to want anymore, I just want to do one thing well for the rest of my life, get paid every month, and live. I don't know if I really have anymore space to dream. At the same time, I want more than anything to be a young person. To do anything and everything, to live experiences to the fullest. That part of me says, live the messy life. Get crazy with it, this is not the time to be afraid. (an update because I left this draft for 2 days) I've decided on the second job, because I've known throughout the whole dilemma that I did simply want it. In a most basic, selfish way, I wanted to do that job. Which is perhaps a great thing. Maybe that's what it feels like, when people ask what you "want" to do with your life. I'm excited and also terrified of what will happen. I know it will be so much fun, so much to learn, and so much to see. But also it will be a torrent of obstacles. My mental health will probably collapse. In a year I hope to look back on this, and see if I 'made the right choice'. If you're reading this now, I hope it was worth it. I sincerely hope you're better at networking now, and being a god**** adult. I hope it doesn't leave you staring into blank space. Maybe you'll know by then, what you want to do. That would be very exciting indeed. Yours in every sense of the word, in all the terrible ways, -----.