A letter from Jan 01, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Happy 19th birthday, freshman in college. I hope you are adjusting to college life okay. I hope you've met your people and I hope you are being so queer with them. I also hope Hozier finally released Unreal Unearth because **** man. I spent this year trying to be present and vulnerable. Courage was a new word for me in 2022. I hope this all continues and I hope you become more and more unapologetic about who you are and what you want. I want you to know that no matter how life might look for you right now, I am proud of you. You're 17 y/o self is too. And so is Kai at age 5. The fact that you still exist is nothing less than a miracle. Beautiful, empathetic, artful, wise, kind, strong, deserving, funny, thoughtful, creative, caring, you. No matter what, you are enough. The air in your lungs is enough. So much can happen between now and where you are, which is daunting and horrifying, but its also just a fact of life. There is so much room for love in these days to come. I hope you don't take anything for granted, especially the people that love you. I hope you start to internalize and believe when they say they love you. You deserve it, I swear. I hope you go and watch more live music with beautiful company (including your own company). I hope you go on walks more too. And regarding love, I just hope you are safe and have fun. Take things less seriously maybe, if possible. You are young and capable and beautiful. To be free in love and queer is a rebellion. Keep fighting. Get out of your head this year and put it into words, or art, or paper. Whatever soothes your thoughts. Be alive. You are 19 once. This moment is the oldest you've ever been, the youngest you ever will be again. USE THE **** OUT OF IT. Dance in the rain (good god, please keep dancing), kiss strangers (with consent), tattoo your skin, and EXIST. I don't expect you to go crazy if you don't want, but I at least want you to be honest with yourself about what you do want. If you want to talk to that beautiful stranger, do it. If you want to change majors to puppetry or ornithology, do it. If you want to chop off your hair and pierce your eyebrow, by all means. Read poetry in hallways if you must. Cry when you call home, if you desire. Just be you and be honest about it. Please. And remember that how we spend our days is how we spend our lives. Remember you are helpful and loved and forgiven and that you are not alone. You have my full support and love always. Be you no matter the pain. Exist no matter the hardship. Because you matter- to your siblings and to the people that love you and to me. And be there. Take pictures and sketch and journal. Be there and remember because one day this will all be a memory. God I love you and I'm proud of you. Believe there is a very young adult in the past looking up to you, and loving you no matter what. Keep going love. All my love -Kai