March 2006

Hey, A. has that appointment scheduled in a couple of days for the eeg. then in July he has the appt with the neurologist. I hope things turn out well. I was reading some stuff on line the other day about people with hallucinations and stuff and freaking out a little bit. I am sure that A. will be fine though. I am trying to keep it positive cause that is all i have. A. is so smart and fun to be around. He can be trying at times and i know that your heart can get broken because right now you don't have custody of him but if you can get your life straight then maybe he can come live with you some day. S. just turned 11 in December this year. I can't believe he is so big. I just measured him again Monday and he is now 5'2". that is crazy. Before i know it he is going to start dating and that is going to make me crazy. Although, I think if he doesn't start dating i think that will make me more crazy. He is so shy. I don't know what to do about my husband he is so nice sometimes and other times i just wish we weren't married. I am on my second marraige but i wish i weren't. i was supposed to get married when i was 25 but instead i was getting divorced. I don't know if i should say that i hope that i am still married or if i should hope i am divorced i guess i will just stick with i hope i am happy with whatever decision i have made. We fight a lot though and that really sucks. Right now we are going to counselling which seems to help. He seems to be doing better with depression and stuff. I am the same old me. I wish i had a better job but i guess no matter where i go i will try and do my best and it seems that my best is pretty good considering i have already gotten noticed here and i haven't been working here that long, 6 months. i didn't even really expect to be here that long. this was just supposed to be a holding cell until i found something better. Mostly I want my kids to grow up happy. I want to feel like i am a grown up. How do you go thru life and feel like you don't know anything. It is amazing that i am 28 years old and feel like i am 20. I wish i could turn back time. I am sending this to me in the future so i hope i don't always feel like this. I don't know what i want to do or be when i grow up. I want to start gardening this summer. I want to grow old and have grand kids. I kinda wanted to have another kid because i feel like i have not been there for A, but i can't i got fixed and that kinda sucks but it is probably for the best. I shouldn't bring another child in the world when i feel like i do. Looking back makes me think what have i done with the last 5 years. oh yeah i have been in a really bad relationship then i went to a somewhat dysfunctional relationship. anyway i am done ranting about what can't be changed. Heres to the future.