A letter from Nov 26, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I was yawning when I try to remember those years. Blue sky, gigantic beautiful clouds in June. Where I was free from the troubles of love. Where my head was only occupied by school works and how do I look. I tried to bury you from my memory by dating other men. But I found myself loosening in that grip for the reason I am not worth their time as I do think when I was with you. It’s been 5 years, but still, here I am, thinking of you. Words that my mouth can’t utter or even write to you as my respond of you thinking I was the jerk in our relationship. But I know its main point is me blaming you. Since that’s I’m only good at, as well as looking back and not moving forward. Sticking my eye on the past. I have troubles too as you do. I see myself as the good-ish one in our relationship since I didn’t hold you too tight, thinking if I did it, I’d lose you. But I already did, haven’t I? I am understanding. If I am jealous, I swallowed it hard. Have you consoled me when I cry? You did see me cry once. You let me have puffy eyes. I’m very emotional. Its too unfair now since I think you’ve moved on. You’re happy with your life. You’re very successful that made me even so little. Here I am trying to be unstock. I couldn’t help it. Every time I think of you of how successful your life has been without me makes me so sick of myself. You’re like a shell that’s full and heavy while me, I’m an empty shell. I am so unfortunate. I tried to not think that I am not unlucky, that luck and unfortunate is not existing in this world, that it is just a silly thing that people in this world made up. But sometimes, some circumstances are just so unbelievable. What thing could fill this void? If all what I wanted got granted I would absolutely be truly happy and lucky. But I know it wouldn’t work that way. This night is so cold. And I’m wishing that if your drunk and try to talk to me again, please don’t. Let’s both have a Christmas and New year without each other, or you with other you would wish to be with your entire life. For we both know or I know it won’t last if we tried again and I don’t want to be right again. - If dying is not expensive, I died ages ago.