A letter from Nov 20, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I haven’t accepted that it’s over. I broke up with L and it hurts. I know it was for the best because of how toxic he was but it still hurts, it hurts knowing the future we planned together is never going to happen. All the dates and ideas we had planned will never occur. I’m still young and dumb but I really thought he was it for me. We started dating last October and we stopped dating this November, that’s a full year. I miss him, I really really do. If given the opportunity though, I’d do it again. Im happier now that we aren’t together, happier with myself and my thoughts aren’t as bad. I don’t feel like dying anymore and for that im glad. Im glad he isn’t in my life, im glad Im at peace, im glad to be alive. I’ve felt like I shouldn’t be on this earth, that nobody needed me here for four years and now I don’t. I know I’m not necessarily needed but I am loved and maybe it isn’t easy to see but it’s there. I feel like maybe I was clinging on to the wrong things because I wasn’t receiving what I needed from my family. I felt the need to be in a relationship, to feel some sort of love because I didn’t see it then. I held onto L for as long as I could even if it hurt me because I loved him, I still do. I love him so much I can’t bring myself to look at him. I’m afraid he’ll look back at me and Make eye contact. I can’t do that though because one of us will end up dead if we get back together. I will never make the same mistake again. I want to stay where I am and continue on with this peaceful silence inside my mind. I’m no longer running away in fear with millions of thought but rather I’m sitting in content with calming music. I’ve grown a love for classical music and it may have played another part in my happiness. It likely did. I’ve been using these letters as a way to see how far I’ve come from before and there’s been nothing but improvement. I made it to state for deca in February and I’m so excited, I can’t wait! I turn 16 in almost three months!!!! I’m going to receive a car and a license on my exact birthday that I can’t wait to get. My grades are awesome and so are my current teachers. I haven’t skipped class in like a month either. My credits are coming back up and I’m doing good for myself overall. :) the reason why I wrote this letter was for you to see how much you’ve progressed when you read it. Please let me know how state went, what your grades are like, and if you made it to fbla state. I hope you stay content as well. Sincerely, Your past self ❤️