A letter from Nov 03, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Will you or everyone around me will hate me so much if I just decided to just stop breathing? I've been imagining scenarios that would **** me and that probably is the easiest. I've heard that it actually became a tiktok trend and that a number of kids has been ****** because of holding their breath. Sorry for the introduction. I know, my a week ago self is somehow rooting for me to continue. But whenever I come home, there's just an extreme loneliness that always hug me. My tears have been automatically falling whenever I sit down on my bed after a long day. Happy birthday self, if ever you are still alive. I still have a little hope to continue, because maybe it's just this house. I still have my friends rooting for me. Rooting for each other to survive each day. Plus two of my hs friends are still greeting me hbd even though there literally is no hint that it's my bday. I did not have a bday cake today, even from myself as there's no open cafes anymore after my solo lunch. But I did have a yummy K-chicken lunch 🙂 My father also greeted me, the only one in this so-called family (except of course the soulless greetings in the comment section). What I hate the most nowadays is the way my own mother treated me like I am nobody. Maybe I deserve it because of the hurtful words I said to her. But sorry, she deserve it. She is the reason of all these misery. I've lost my mother years ago and I never have her back. I don't have a mother anymore. I kinda envy those posts saying thanks to their mother and sharing that their mother lifted their spirits, cheer them up. I don't even have one. That woman I have said that my miseries and sufferings are my karma. I literally don't have anyone. My father, who still shows care to me though he's losing his patience, also believe that everything is my fault. That my attitude is the worst. That I should still talk to my family members because it's my fault anyway. He don't understand me and maybe because I also can't tell them that I felt the most lonely when I'm with them. I don't even want to go home early earlier because I can feel that my father will scold me again. On my birthday. I just go home as late as possible. And yet, still cold and dark house welcomed me. As I have thought earlier at the summit of Mt. Wellington, it's hard not to expect especially because they are what you call 'family'. I'll probably envy the other two for they will have cheerful, eventful, celebratory celebration. And I'll be forever bitter on that. Because they will tell me that it's my fault anyway. What if I'll just consciously stop breathing now? Dear 27 self, I am really sorry for these days, for this birth day. I am really sorry that I am sad and lonely and in great misery. I hope, somehow, you are better now. I hope, you will also feel the moment where you can say to yourself that you are grateful for not ******* yourself a year ago. I hope you are stronger, more resilient, more matured, focused, and back to your 16 yr old self. Lord God, I know I am such a sinner. I have huge sins these days. I have sinned to my parents and siblings. I hope You will forgive me. I also hope You can help me overcome these sufferings. Please Lord God, remove the curse in me. Please Lord God stop these sufferings. Please Lord God help me be happy again 😭😭🙏🙏 Sincerely, I @ 26