A letter from Oct 03, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Found out about this website via tik tok. I’m currently not having the best time. In fact, it has been one of the worst times of my entire life. After my internship ended in May it just feels like everything has has collapsed around me. The Oregon trip and dad falling off a cliff and getting injured. The Thailand trip was amazing but coming home and to Carter almost dying wasn’t. The week-long hospital stay in Denver wasn’t. The months of June and July were so difficult. I was so convinced I had my **** together. I prided myself on the way I dealt with every crisis. I thrived on it to be honest. I was calm and centered and emotionally available. I was in tune with my own feelings and was able to compartmentalize. As soon as we got home from Denver after the hospital I started working again. It has been 2 months of working and trying to convince my mind and body that I am fine. I quit my job last week. The physical tax became debilitating. I am a shell of a person. My depression cave/corner of the bedroom is at its absolute worst. I don’t even know if I’m mentally depressed but my physical pain is beyond a 10/10 almost every single day. It only continues to get worse everyday. I’ve never had a flare up last this long. It does not end. I hate what I am becoming. I hate myself right now. I know these feeling are temporary and hopefully so is my current condition. A year from now, depending on which date is available (I’ll find out this week) I am either 2 days newlywed or I am getting married in less than 2 weeks. I hope it is everything we (me and future me) want it to be. And if it’s not, then I hope we accept what is with love in our heart. We deserve to be happy. I love you. I have been keeping you in mind these past few weeks as I heal my inner child. We are all the same person and we are stronger together. I know you love me too. I know you are here with me right now giving me the compassion and empathy that I can’t receive from others right now. Thank you for persevering. Thank you for everything you have done for this body, for our future. You are stronger than you think. I know that whatever has happened in the past year we will get through. We always come out stronger. You better be a therapist by now! It’s been difficult to start the NCE study process since my graduation this past summer felt like it didn’t even happen in the midst of everything else. I know we will figure this out. I hope you write to 27 year old me. She needs our love too. Maybe by THEN we will have it all together ❤️ Love, 25 year old Me <3