A letter from May 24th, 2022

Dear Future Me, One month is a very short time. You probably remember writing this letter. Today as I start this journey and am 10 days sober, I'm unclear of the honest why, except I'm just sure I'm not good at drinking. After being sober for the 10 months there were a few things that I did not experience in that time. Amnesia, humiliation, acting out of character, apologizing for things I had no clue happened and loss of respect/dignity. Today I am a bit overwhelmed with this program, life and being clear about what I want. I am a bit sad to not be able to drink anymore and I don't exactly know what life is going to be without it but I'm going to live it and survive. I'm pretty much done with withdrawals but continuing to have a hard time sleeping. I want to get clear about my future and take action. I want to understand the root of my drinking and I want to be my best self. Today I feel anxious. My husband has no idea I'm on this journey, but he loathes my drinking. My therapist will only see me if I'm in a program as what we talk about may be a drinking trigger.... which isn't true, cooking dinner is more of a trigger, lol. I want to be sure I'm doing this for me. In my heart I know it's time but I'm kind of like a kid giving up bad behavior with a tantrum and ultimate submission. I'm seeking to get back to the core of me. I didn't start drinking until I was 26 and its been an incline to a decline. Pressing forward to get back to my core and write another letter in a month and date it for a year. This was cool.