hello, zarin from 2023

I will never forget how I feel so invalidated tonight. Writing this at 1:05am of May 10, 2022. I already drank two glasses of cold water to calm down myself, because earlier, I was so sensitive, my thoughts are all over the place, and I cannot control my words. I admit that I was never a "Makabayan." When I was around 13-14 years old, I cannot answer such nationalistic questions, because I do not have any admiration to my own country. I mean, I do love Filipino people, but the country? No. I thought that Philippines was never worthy to fight for. Then, the campaigning period began. I realized that it is important to choose a President, since its job, can make a change to the progress of our country. Ang daming nangyari, ang daming pagkukulang, ang daming nagawa sana ng presidente. If he only was not incompetent. So, as a youth, who will suffer the consequences in the future, I was determined to be critical, and pick my own bet. Here comes Leni Robredo. It is my first time, to do something for my country, at my own will, and my own decision-making. I am proud, because I researched for it. I know, and deciphered what is the correct qualification for the President, and my bet is Leni Robredo. I never thought that having my own bet can be so depressing, my own family mocks me, and puts me in a very uncomfortable situation. My own family questioned me, when I have no even words against their bet. I never posts something against their bet, heck, I am not saying something, kasi wala akong paki ron. My focus is onto promoting and exercising my own rights - freedom to express my opinion. I will never forget how I felt so "Filipino" at that Grand Rally, how I finally feel that I've done something so meaningful with my life. Then, election came. Leni lost. So, I rushed to Mama, to release my frustrations, because I am a Filipino, it is just right to have "paki" to my country. Then, she replied, "hindi mo naman na sila magiging president, magiging british colony ka." AND PLEASE, HERE COMES THE OLD SAYING NA "PLANO 'TO LAHAT NI LORD, BAKA ITO TALAGA TINAKDA NIYA." wtf, i am so disappointed to hear that from my own mother. Hindi ko siya maintindihan, hindi ko alam kung saan siya nanggaling. Then, she said na, paano raw ako magsa-psychology, kung mahina ako. Please, the way my heart sank when I read that, my Mom just said na I am not qualified to be a Psychologist. My Mom said, I am vulnerable. AND THAT ******* HURTS, she knows how passionate i am about it, and being told that i am weak to be one, from my own mother, hurts me. She said na, dapat magsimba na ako, parang nalalayo na raw ako kay God, if only she knows that I am just surviving everyday with the help of myself, not even God helped me. That quote made me feel so invalidated, I don't know. Sobrang nasasaktan ako, na ganiyan yung tingin niya sa akin. I expected something better. Ang sakit. Ginamit pa niya si Lola. Tangina, sobrang sakit. Hinang-hina ako, this is not even about Leni losing the elections, this is about how my Mom perceived me. I don't even know how to talk to my Mom after this. Hindi ko alam kung paanong pagtitiis, kung anong pang-unawa na naman ang gagawin ko para lagpasan 'to. So, Czarina, from May 10, 2023. I hope you are okay. Please, please be okay.