A letter from Apr 21st, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I don't usually make my future me public but for some reason I decided I wanted to. to whomever this finds I hope it suits you well. I cried this morning. I woke up and I cried. I had a bad dream that my mother and my sister died for some stupid reason I forget what. but my mother didn't actually die. and at the end of the dream, I was sitting on the couch with my mom. I just started crying that I wanted my sister and I wished she did not die because it was for a stupid reason. Then I woke up and understood it was a dream. I felt like I was going to start to cry so I started to cry. I was not crying because of the fact my sister was going to die, (although dreams are supposed to replicate real life scenarios and your brain is actually thinking is it is real life) I was crying but soon was going to be a death of an era. My sister is going to college. Im not going to see her as much, talk to her, or be around her. And it is sad because Im not even that close with her. Its just my childhood is ending, we won't all be together. And next year I'll be a senior. That will be it. After that I will have to adult. I won't be able to live the easy life of a teenager of going to parties, driving around, and just being young. Although Im not really friends with many seniors, its refreshing to see their faces and talk about them with my friends. I would like to be friends with more seniors before they leave, but I just don't know how to. My anxiety just has been getting worse ever since I failed my permit test. its saddening to see my life change so quickly because I feel as if soon I will be in the position of my sister getting college admissions. It feels like yesterday I was just a freshman jokingly saying bye to everyone the day before spring break started but little did I know I would be soon grieving what would be my sophomore year. I feel a death from that year. A denial that it happened. It shouldn't have happened. Those 2 weeks off should have stayed 2 weeks. but it shaped me. I now understand that everyday in school is enjoyable. I enjoy walking the hallways just looking around and taking a mental picture of what I see. I enjoy saying good morning to everyone and giving hugs. I enjoy the funny moments in class that make me laugh just thinking of it. but it will soon be all gone. I want to pause. I want to stay 17 and have time not change. and because of this the notes f f d# f a# f e d# d# e f c c a# c d# c f a#. I wish I was more musically talented. but its too late to start piano. I felt as if I never did piano because that was my sisters thing, and she was really good at it. I would always be undermined by her because she developed perfect pitch and can practically play any song once she hears it. I find myself feeling undermined by her many a times; I don't feel as smart as her because she is better at me in the humanities subjects and her gpa is better. I don't feel as if I could get into as many schools as she got into because each year it gets worse and worse for colleges. I want to go to NYU and I thought it would be a realistic thing but the acceptance rate dropped to 12%. I want to go to NYC and live my life but I want to stay here. I'd rather stay here for a bit longer. I mean a year is a bit longer. I want to achieve many things in my life. I want to write music and be famous. I would enjoy being famous so much because Hollywood is just like high school. and I love high school.