A letter from Apr 10th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, It's me--you. I just need to talk to someone that knows what will happen to me. My tenth grade in South Dakota will be over in six weeks. Sometimes it feels like I can't breath, with all the decisions I have to make and how to be okay with who I am. I feel like such a failure all the time; I'm not doing enough to get into Harvard and to accomplish what I want. This entire year, I felt so sure that we would stay here, in South Dakota, but it seems that it will be back to California soon. I guess you will know where I live by the time you get this. I have never been more terrified to go to a new school than the one I would have to go back to. I'll go from a small town school with amazing friends and fun teachers with snow days, to a giant campus with fake kids that I never liked in the boiling sun. My fifteenth birthday has felt like a joke, it wasn't happy and I feel no better than I did. I know there are good parts to going back to California: tourist attractions, the beach, the food. Sometimes it feels like it is worth it, but other times I nearly cry thinking about it. It just feels good here, like home. But I've changed schools every year since fourth grade, I can deal with this, there is always good. I'm excited for the astronomy class! You don't care, you already know all this, I've thought about it everyday and so have you. I don't know why I see us as different people. By the time you see this, you will be sixteen (wow that is crazy to think about) and about to be a senior. I hope things are going better than I'm scared they'll go. Maybe the kids aren't as bad as I thought they were. Maybe you'll even feel like "that girl". So have you done everything we planned? Are you growing a dragonfruit plant, learning to skateboard, doing some photography? How many things have you checked off the LA Checklist? Is mom finally okay? Oh, and you would have gone to Mexico for volunteering! I'm terrified to go lol, I hope it was a lot of fun and you learned a lot. Any five star books read? Does Barns & Noble still smell amazing? Are you done with the piano piece yet? I'm scared to know this answer: do you still talk to Chloe and Xitlalic? If things are better, then I'm so so happy for you and our future. If things aren't better, or worse, just remember that you only have one year left, and to take advantage of everything you can in the meantime. This will be a really awkward message if we don't end up going to California. I'm so proud of you for making it another year, just... for me, don't give up. Ever.