A letter from Mar 4th, 2022

I met a place last year. A place I hide whenever things turn to chaos inside my own mind. it's a cold place a bubble where whoever tries to cross will be wounded with words. and I try to leave, but something holds me there. something good, because I know it's safe there. for me. I think sometimes there's a reason. but normally in these relapses, I find several, especially him. my biggest mistake. the first one that took me to know this place. he was my chaos for a long time. but I don't blame him... it was my mistake to have invented something that wasn't real. because it wasn't, right? I met someone... but I can't love another while still remembering you or the person I created. but it wouldn't make a difference... that person is different. he is ocean. calm ocean. my calm in the midst of so much chaos. and he does not know this, for if he had known, he would have already run away. which if he doesn't, he'll be the second to take me to this place I don't want to be. But I can't stop these feelings. how could anyone in their right mind not like you? Well, in the end, I think I hurt myself. For being too foolish not to forget him and too fearful to try to move on from him. I'm going crazy. why do things seem to work out with everyone but me? why do they take so long? while the others go first? Why does my idiot heart keep falling in love with people who don't even give a ****, with people my mouth has never tasted? every time I hold on tight, it slips through my hand. I've said it so many times, but I have to learn to let go... and I left, but in this time and in this place, everything comes back to torment me