Where are you now?

Here we are. Today is February 26, 2022. I am 23 years old and by the time this reaches me again I'll be closing in on 25. In the last few months I've rekindled that old flame. You know the one. A number that recurs, the constant feeling of longing. That damned raging inferno in your chest. It has been everything and more. Love highs higher than clouds, higher than our worldly atmosphere. Lows lower than the bottom, wherever the bottom is, where the final destination of gravity hides. Every last feeling is felt so intensely, so extremely, and I can't help it. I wouldn't want it any differently. To suffer is to love with all. To love is to suffer with all. Perhaps I've tricked myself into believing this or perhaps this is the reality of love in our earthly phase. I can't be sure, I've not walked the path of those before me who know now the secrets scored onto them by love. Forever gone, never to be told. It's the path you and I must walk, even if it's not between us, perhaps it only just begins with us. I want to know if you could be the rest of my life. That is the full, open, honest truth. I want to feed your curiosity by hand, I want you to experience in full what all you know you must experience. Find your way around my body and carry my bleeding heart in your hands. Something binds you and I in ways I cannot fully discern. You were always there when there was nothing else, nobody else. Hours upon hours spent there, learning, so messily, peeling away at our outer layers until only the inside is left exposed. I saw through you then, or perhaps I saw only what I wanted to see. Perhaps this is what roused your curiosity in boys, in me. My mind has only known you since those days. You always went you own way and I would spend hours staring into the ceiling trying to decide if I had been crazy all along or if you made me crazy. This was our youth after all. Some marks on me are left unseen. Even to me. How some things are tattooed without ink. I think about how beautiful you are all the time. How we've locked onto each other, a sort of yin & yang, the scorpion and the goat. How you'll play music for me at night, retreat into yourself with the smoke, suffer through video games. You called me and I wrote Cuts for the Lake because I felt I got a good glimpse at your face for the first time in a while. The angle of the camera made your nostrils look like hearts on their side. I just stared at you. I found your freckles, your lips, your eyes. I couldn't possibly reveal the extent of which I am mesmerized all at once by your outward beauty. This I will save for the day I see you. How your mind jumps from thought to thought, idea to idea, dream to dream. That's your ADD brain you say, I agree. Living in that electric van, beatboxing, philosophical YouTube videos, that constant drive of self improvement. If I never sought you out that November all those years ago I would never know all of these things about you. I wouldn't even want a glimpse at what my life is like in that alternate universe. I wonder too where we'll be after this travels through time. Will we be together, will we not? I am hopeful as always and I continue to hope for the best. For both of our journeys, not just the one where you and I come together that way. I am a selfish lover. I want you all to myself. This may very well be the downfall. As for myself. After 6 years in the dark, I'm finally beginning to move into the light. The clouds in my head begin to fade away. I am learning to care about my health, to care about the future. Wherever I end up, I have every intention of being a better version of whoever I am then compared to now. I am writing, in no particular direction, a beginning nonetheless. Still using a journal? What have you read recently? You've got a backlog of partially finished literature lying around, have you gotten to it? Can you believe you're nearly 5 years away from 30? It all blends together anyways, it all comes rushing in, savor the time you have while it lasts. Remember that movie you watched, and the quote you liked? Don't **** it. Don't **** it. That sorrow, that pain, the joy in memory, don't **** it. If it doesn't work, don't **** it. I know that's what you want to do, and it feels like you may never love again if it isn't him, but you will. Don't **** it. Love from the past, to the future. Forever. I'll be seeing you, sunshine. To the moon and never back. Alone Together by Del Water Gap