A letter from Feb 17th, 2022

Dear Dumbass, Hope you are very well. At least well enough from the today me. I feel pathetic right now. Literally, You are a pathetic dumbass or was? Hey, are you still that pathetic ******** 21 year old me? What happened with me? Well i found out that my crush is with his girlfriend right now. He went to her house to meet up with her. She posted the story on her instagram and I saw that just now. They met up at night. Him and I never followed each other on instgram, just only on facebook. So I just noticed it on her story. Pathetic me. I really really feel pathetic. I knew they were in a relationship since college but I thought they might've broken up while they were in college. I guess I wanted to make myself believe that I had a chance. I once again deluded myself in something that I knew would never happen. Why do I keep making the same mistakes again and again? Why do I even bother trying to find love? I remember that time when I first confessed to my 3 years of crush and it did not go well. I still feel embarrassed with myself for doing that knowing that they had a crush on someone else. I am way out of every single one of my crush's league. The same **** happened again this time with my second crush. Now I'm so confused if I should ever like anyone romantically? You know what, new years should have new resolutions. ***** listen, you better upgrade your standards. Even if you find you ideal type, it doesn't mean that they will surely like you back. Trust me on this one okay. Here I go- Do not. I repeat do not go in a relationship out of the blue. Building relationship takes a long time. Have patience. Don't confess first because if you do oh you know very well where that will end up. You will always get rejected because that's unfortunately your fate :"). You are definitely a good and genuine person so be the single ***** as long as you want. Even if you don't end up marrying someone even dating someone then that's also fine. Remember, your own company is always the best. Thankfully, you have your animes, mangas, manhwas, series, movies & lets not forget about BL XD. Create your own fate & fantasy. You don't need a man or a woman to maintain your own life. Imagine if you'd like to. Delude yourself in your imaginations except don't use any real people in your imaginations since I am making this rule right here, right now. Please continue maintaining this rule. Write this again to remind yourself in the next 10 years or so that you are not worthless. You definitely deserve better than anything in the world. Right now I'm going to write something totally unrelated to the above topic. I feel like I might forget about this even now. So I better write this somewhere to remember this every year. That dream you had back in April, 2019 when you were in Delhi, India. Travelling and exhausted you slept really badly but that dream made you feel a lots of emotions all together. Dream= You were laying in your own room which was dark and it was midnight when everyone in your family was asleep. You had the urge to go to your balcony because you couldn't sleep. You put your feet dangling outside while looking at the sky. Suddenly you felt someones presence beside you on your left side and saw that there was a boy siting there exactly in the same position as you and smiling. You asked who he was. He introduced himself to you shortly and asked why you couldn't sleep. You replied smiling "Just because". He suddenly stood up holding out his hand suggesting that we should sneek outside. You agreed and both of you tip-toed yourselves out from the room to the door, to the door to the gate and then leaving the building. You and him were running on the empty roads and also on the ongoing construction sight. Somehow it looked beautiful even tho it was the same scenery that you see every single day. Not a beautiful serene scenery for an ongoing construction site at least but I guess the person with you made a great difference. He made me happy with the smallest thing. I still don't know why I felt happy but I guess I felt the freedom in my dreams at that time. He suddenly put his hand in front of you, covering your eyes. When he let go of his hand, you and him were in a different place. Different then anything that you've ever seen or known before. A beautiful planetarium that had it's roof broken and there were fungus and moss all around it's wall and there were lots of plants and trees and flowers with small water channels. The moon was shining so brightly that you didn't even need a torch to see your surroundings clearly. The moon was accompanied by the stars. There were really a sky full of stars. The view was AMAZING! BREATHTAKING! You were awestruck. You had literal sparkles in your eyes when he suddenly hold your hand and asked "Say, will you remember me?" You were a bit confused but you knew the answer somehow, "Yeah of course! Why would you think of something like that? Of course I'll remember you :) " You said that with a smile on your face while you also noticed his expression was somewhat a bit sad. Like he was smiling but still somehow he looked sad. So you asked him this time with a hopeful face, "Tell me now, Would you remember me?" He suddenly laughed a bit saying, "You're the first person ever to ask me that. haha. Of course I will. I will never forget you but you will definitely forget me since that's bound to happen anyways" Then you asked feeling your vision a bit blurry but not too blurry, "What do you mean bound to happen? Tell me?" He replied, "I remember everyone of you but all of you won't ever remember me or this place. Everyone forgets about me and this place in the end anyways. Were you happy with me?" You said, "Yes! I was happy even now I'm happy but why can't I see your face? What's happening with my eyes? Hey- your name? What was your name? No I won't forget you! I will never forget you no matter what!!" You were crying, panicking when you tried to reach him with your hand and you suddenly woke up from your dream. You found yourself crying in reality and still holding your hand forward. You still cried afterwards in the hotel room trying to remember him but you were unsuccessful. However, you did remember this story and that place also that it's a he/him. The strange thing was tho that you were able to feel a lot of things in your dream. I am sure that you saw a lucid dream but it was still a mysterious dream from my part. He did introduce himself with his name and some other small things but I forgot as soon as I started to lose myself in that dream. The last thing you saw was him smiling with a sad look on his face. He didn't say goodbye. So, you were hopeful that you'll someday see him again be it in a dream or reality. I love mysteries and thrill with bunch of different emotions. So this dream was that type of experience for me. It felt so real like when he hold my hand or when he put his hand around my face blocking my vision. His presence felt warm. So then my future me, if you ever encounter a dream similar to this then try to hold it close to your heart. This dream is one of a kind dream for me so don't forget! I LOVE YOU THE FUTURE DUMBASS ME XD. Stay strong and survive!!!