A letter from Feb 1st, 2022

Time Travelled — 12 months

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Right now I feel like ****. Junior year is beating the absolute **** out of me and even worse, I have no idea what to do about course selections for senior year. I have gotten so much conflicting advice and I have no idea what to do which is the most stressful thing ever. Please don't be mad about whatever I choose, I'm doing my best. I just feel so ******* sorry for myself right now and I hate it. Nothing I'm doing is productive; I'm an absolute failure at studying for the ACT and I just can't do this ****. I can't keep sitting at this desk in this dark room for hours and hours and hours only to get a minimal amount of sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and do the same exact thing. The burnout is so strong and I just can't do it anymore. I'm crying as I type this and I hope my tears don't ruin anything. I wish I was you. I wish I was you so badly. I can't keep doing this. I don't have anything to look forward to and my birthday is so soon I don't even want it to happen. I forgot I had a Birthday soon; I think I'm forgetting that I'm a person too. This **** is awful and dehumanizing and I can't believe every high schooler in America goes through this. Maybe they don't; maybe I'm just an absolute idiot who can't control her own emotions, Maybe I am not built for this type of education. I say all these things; I feel sorry for myself but at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't trade my education for the world. This sounds like I'm writing and essay for AP lang (I know), but I'm not. Really I'm just writing this as a means of procrastination. Since all I do is sit, and sit some more, why not sit while doing something I slightly enjoy. Writing to you is a good past time but I can't keep blowing off my work. I swear to god; I hate myself. I hate the type of student I have become, and I hate the type of person I have become this year. I can't compete with these peple but I can't not compete with them either and only now am I realizing how dumb this all is. I'll go to college; I'll get a job; I'll get married if I want to, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WON'T ******* DO? I WON'T REMEMBER CALCULUS; THAT'S WHAT. Sitting here and feeling sorry for my scores, feeling insufficiently unsatisfied with my grades, it's all for nothing. I won't come out ahead, I won't make more money, I won't be a happier person and I know all these things but I still can't stop pushing myself to my own breaking points. I don't have enough time for these mental breakdowns. IT'S YOUR FAULT. I DO THIS **** FOR YOU AND YOU AREN'T APRECIATIVE. I'M SITTING HERE STRUGGLING OVER CHOICES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU AND I'M PANICKING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PREFERENCES ARE AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM GONNA MAJOR IN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLLEGE IM GONNA GO TO. **** YOU. **** YOU. YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE EXCUSES ANYMORE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I DON'T CARE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I KNOW YOU AND I DON'T CARE. IM DONE. I'M DONE. I'ME DONE.

Epilogue

4 days later

A senior year response:

I love you, and this made my day. I’ve been waiting for this letter since I wrote it. I remembered writing this during a mental breakdown,...

Femlsy i icepscfsi ohret ebrmerme asw dn’tdi nwo tnha eth teh atcf lgyilen ubt thta at i. Eon das i rebimgrenme i dnha, in atreaceipp eth ihelw i a what os salo am reltte sthi hucm on as,w essm. T’si i adn mtsie nioujr os htta enioirtzmac fo gaelern srsets aery tdon’ ni ponartmit. Syror trisf fo i’m al,l. I ot oyu; mi’ i htat ftlau ym oysrr kwno ’tsi idd. I syrro atht spdeuh ouy ’im dint’d oysrr ouy a i’m i gevi yrros ;shtroe so oyur ryrso ’mi stpa you i nad remdopac i,nnuham m’i uoy to limit;s abekr felt. Labem otn i you a ishngooc ewf itgshn bauto futla gnwor slascse rof st’i thhou,g i o’dnt wree o’dnt uoyr elik; uyo. Oogd edn be ecmletoylp senoth htikn a did ayfilr uyo job teh in i to. Nath hdeclues wtih ym th,ma otrhe m’i iyarlf phayp. Eth si aslo you tabuo iogdn emtmonc are voeuciptrd taht ouy ngthoni were rngow. Oyu was) atc lliw yam it it and( ecsecud twih feel the way utb that aelyglr. Tgunisyd uyro adn off uhsro yap orhus dan uohsr llwi of. Nsytgdiu) 9t9h wy(a and hmuc ndeed pceenritel 3)(4 h9t9 ast emro 914-0( eeecrlpnti adrh eorsc up atc a oyu ithw a eeandr dnaree) oiuwtth esrco selyia. Uyo orf satt’h tno i onkw fygtnsiais. Me uoy ssetrdse c,aft out; i ekam cry ti atht dlwuo olwdu brbpayol i tt,ah rewe eb i fi wnok aherd dan ltlsi ni i. Daudsnrten i uyo. I omireps. Drhaytib d;ogo rstess ouyr gyistnud nto dna ihtw ducelod was it wsa. Gutse sntep asw in on orom eoniln 3 act a hent it uroh teh rdak nad ntsuygid reuocs. Fo sugae oyru eltret soyneht earcapietp lla eviedsr eth in i in amramgr. Dna i’m leph, it i i igogn gto wkno sedotn’ iont ubt ahwsu, hetre. Lp,eh tu;o dluow ot uoy weer wnok all wokn tbu aewndt kwne i ouy wokr uoy edo’snt ghirt ti i taht taht adtile. It lla tou dokwer sah. O,n howtr not idd ti rpobybla lefe ?ti. T’lundco i tbu vere uyo mad at eb. I yuo os mhcu ieecpartpa. I am ;dhar dkeowr yuo rfo sad oto yuo. Ofr uecbesa ddi ohbt uoy oyu h,ard oyu ekowdr ubt love nda atth fo su i so. Uyo ofr lynateutufrno dapepls ttha, ynsiag tbu true me ghtmi ’ist veah. G;arnci dptospe oruutbn oyu nwo eahv reevn to tasp olucd have bneiagrk uoy orlsefyu llufy oseptpd neevr ulodc in ginev teh phusing lcuod oruy uoy veha np,oti veren. Eht trtuh ’tsi tnehso. Are eelttr aveevi’horescr an dbrwoeank nlaemt na cvao,eirheevr tihs yuo nda is. On oyu oyu uwdol nyihrvgete naiag pu bferyaru d3r kwne wkea adn hatt do. Going hngipus yuo ekpe ot nggio erwe yuo uoy oeryulsf yuo enwk to wnke eerw og;ing eepk. Oruy at, i’m ouy eenedd be atth osemoen an’tsw dagl ot dam adn efls ti psenret lony. Mi’ na ot dagl em sa abel outetl erwe uyo esu. I’m you ot waht me i ),ma sya rpdou duolc fo sya staht’ want nto wkon i( i uyo ttah utb. Yuo teka rof hatt i hte rkow ot im’ that cmaheveietn diertc rhotw ithgm htat asw eoms teh asw tlr,gseug fo fo na rudpo ysinag ddi tath that erhet edra sgsteugs oyu ti ssusgegt. Of eht seoomne i eb miglinca and onwk uoy wdors easy, to thiganny oot now’t to si hatt rudop eman. Im’ er’nta good eht tbu eragsd high droup twah of nad scsore. I’m of uyo ahtw is pudor. Ont yuo cnies,veehatm yemerl ouyr tub. Uyo eainerdm you u,hmnian yam haev tbu ouy tfel. Owh uyo uyo iltelt eeslp mertat rewe iltsl ,no on ouy eewr. ,ntonicsnoec dema smeli nda ouy opplee eadm. Reyev ,day twne of kiel leuyrofs eryve to ouy edb uot ogt ,dya dya clsooh cdeat ervey. Be ot a’thst ithegsonm of odupr. Veedreil ogt ew huwsa iton ’im atht. Etretb isanesceryl lal eelf it ti ti elef na hngrteeyiv kema neuco aemks utb rwoth it, ’doestn. It you ddi. It i idd. It ddi ew. Ok dna i’ts. Reom wthas’ i is tnoitmrpa uyo llegoec ntha ohw naesdunrdt. Uaerdntnsd fo oruy thrdea the t;nilcfoc royu i tnuaddrsen audtnenrds anreg; rfteuu rouy i i tnnsdaedur ryuo asn;ssed i. It all nrudeatdns i. Imsrepo i. Lsee no trluy eerv ntrundesda one oyu mya. In teh do tnee ryuo on adn lliw ro ont het reve ni utsj be mleeyr neo gstyna slee ahtt yaw oyu wkon bdoy het yw,a ttah wya rinab ,yuo. Ndtadneurs uyo i btu. Od i oyu prcpaatiee. Ton i sa as uhmc kwon i ,dshoul. Dtenhak konw ti and fro fi eth uyo i oyu a be ewtn o)dd tisll eb bit dn(a i erew ayd hte tshi dnwtu’lo ahtt stih ohug,rht olsa goneuh ulodw yerve oingd tbu oyu it. I nwat to adn i i’m ndto’ oeglcel aormj i,n g,o twha oknw lstli i tbu nyyaaw ggino aevh ot i od ot twah nowk. I in hatt ll’i ,satlyl end aignys acer eams awy ffo hte. Dna it ear rewe ohrwt you. Raec wkon dna i ,uyo i. Uory’e oden. Deon yro’ue. Yuero’ eond. .

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


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