A letter from Feb 1st, 2022

Time Travelled — 12 months

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Right now I feel like ****. Junior year is beating the absolute **** out of me and even worse, I have no idea what to do about course selections for senior year. I have gotten so much conflicting advice and I have no idea what to do which is the most stressful thing ever. Please don't be mad about whatever I choose, I'm doing my best. I just feel so ******* sorry for myself right now and I hate it. Nothing I'm doing is productive; I'm an absolute failure at studying for the ACT and I just can't do this ****. I can't keep sitting at this desk in this dark room for hours and hours and hours only to get a minimal amount of sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and do the same exact thing. The burnout is so strong and I just can't do it anymore. I'm crying as I type this and I hope my tears don't ruin anything. I wish I was you. I wish I was you so badly. I can't keep doing this. I don't have anything to look forward to and my birthday is so soon I don't even want it to happen. I forgot I had a Birthday soon; I think I'm forgetting that I'm a person too. This **** is awful and dehumanizing and I can't believe every high schooler in America goes through this. Maybe they don't; maybe I'm just an absolute idiot who can't control her own emotions, Maybe I am not built for this type of education. I say all these things; I feel sorry for myself but at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't trade my education for the world. This sounds like I'm writing and essay for AP lang (I know), but I'm not. Really I'm just writing this as a means of procrastination. Since all I do is sit, and sit some more, why not sit while doing something I slightly enjoy. Writing to you is a good past time but I can't keep blowing off my work. I swear to god; I hate myself. I hate the type of student I have become, and I hate the type of person I have become this year. I can't compete with these peple but I can't not compete with them either and only now am I realizing how dumb this all is. I'll go to college; I'll get a job; I'll get married if I want to, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WON'T ******* DO? I WON'T REMEMBER CALCULUS; THAT'S WHAT. Sitting here and feeling sorry for my scores, feeling insufficiently unsatisfied with my grades, it's all for nothing. I won't come out ahead, I won't make more money, I won't be a happier person and I know all these things but I still can't stop pushing myself to my own breaking points. I don't have enough time for these mental breakdowns. IT'S YOUR FAULT. I DO THIS **** FOR YOU AND YOU AREN'T APRECIATIVE. I'M SITTING HERE STRUGGLING OVER CHOICES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU AND I'M PANICKING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PREFERENCES ARE AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM GONNA MAJOR IN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLLEGE IM GONNA GO TO. **** YOU. **** YOU. YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE EXCUSES ANYMORE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I DON'T CARE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I KNOW YOU AND I DON'T CARE. IM DONE. I'M DONE. I'ME DONE.

Epilogue

4 days later

A senior year response:

I love you, and this made my day. I’ve been waiting for this letter since I wrote it. I remembered writing this during a mental breakdown,...

Taht tndid’ sefyml nhta i eyilngl i isepcsfci heotr onw utb teh was at mmreeber het atfc. Trteel eht ilhwe i lsoa no a i swa, wtha sda dnh,a i os oen in am hmuc merbeniergm mess ihst rcpteeiapa. Dan dtno’ rganlee riconzimaet i t’is tath fo tpmornati etrsss ni os yrae ojirnu setim. Of tirsf rroys i’m all,. I to konw yu;o did orrsy atht tlauf is’t mi’ i ym. ’im i egvi ahimnu,n ftel yrou rysro i so acerodmp ot a htat mi’ uyo you siltm;i husdpe you i sroyr hoters; oyrsr i’m you ptsa arekb m’i nad tidnd’ rryos. I fro tno congiohs shtngi secassl auftl ts’i ,thhoug yuro uyo oyu dt’on ewre elk;i otn’d emabl i rognw a wfe oautb. Arlyif did oleypcmelt inkht uyo the to ehnots den i job in oogd eb a. Cdleehus yppah ayfilr ’mi my htore ,math htiw anth. Dnigo is het rae nthiogn loas ronwg tmocemn tuabo yuo erwe ouy tath dvipcerotu. Uoy feel egrayll ihtw a(nd thta ilwl eht it act ti esdeucc wya yam w)sa tub. Off and dna ayp suorh hosur fo royu duysitng lliw ushor. A sroec dne)rea yseali t99h -40(91 (ayw tas h9t9 enrcietpel cta eenard )yiudsntg twhi uowtith neprecetil up adn a uyo rhad rome endde csore cuhm )4(3. I ont iatfgsnyis nwok rfo ’atsht you. Me atth wduol t,fca weer oybpbrla it wlduo rhdae eessrdst to;u dna i uyo rcy tlils if i oknw eb i ht,ta in kema i. I tedadrsunn you. I ispeomr. Ti daithryb hwti sstesr ton gusitnyd god;o aws your dan oceuddl wsa. Ohur hent uidtsngy on in stegu eth rmoo ti 3 a stenp rdka and srocue aws nniloe cta. Lal ieearpcapt trleet seagu eth uroy fo rdevies gmramar sntohye in i ni. Ti sh,uaw ’mi i itno le,ph i gnigo o’nedst nda herte ogt nokw btu. Wokr wednat enwk rewe latdei uyo to i it nokw tbu uyo htat i owkn grtih wdulo oyu odse’nt tu;o all ,hple atth. All sah owrkde tuo ti. Wroht on, t?i ti eefl oylbabrp tno did. Evre cut’onld mda i be at utb yuo. Uyo raipctapee i mhuc so. For i sad rokwde dra;h uyo ma too uyo. Lvoe i bceeusa su okrwde ahtt thob idd utb nda fro ouy yuo of yuo so ardh,. Em ubt igtmh evah pseplad tha,t yigasn rtue yuo ofr ftuyauorntenl s’it. Veha nutrbuo ncg;rai ihgpsun nwo pito,n ocdul eth uoy to luyfl sapt ouy olcdu ahev heav dpetosp solufrey vener yuo ni oucdl gvnei bnkirgea erenv deopstp uyor enevr. T’si shntoe tutrh teh. Nda si tmanle evorvrish’eace ndarwkbeo yuo an ear hist na rtltee eerivvohce,ra. D3r on wlodu ttah and ouy ygetenvirh byraruef you eawk gaina od nkwe pu. Ewre you ot gio;gn oyu erew nekw eepk npiuhsg ngigo gniog kpee ouy yuo to eloysrfu kenw. Htat mi’ estenrp eb to it tw’nas ldag dam ta, snomoee edened slfe uoyr ouy dan onyl. Eewr ot oyu esu em agld m’i sa teuotl leba an. To (i culdo ays im’ em tasht’ tnaw you htwa ton i i ,am) oyu dupro asy atth tbu onwk of. Wsa i yuo tath thta idd ti eht gsugtsse htigm uyo owkr cditer het for aekt wtohr acievhtnmee dpuor asw fo trehe that im’ ssseugtg tggesl,ur eard gyasni mose na atth hatt to of. Adn aenm omsonee is caniimgl uyo ghntnyia nwko ot hte of i oot taht sa,ey ot be tnwo’ ordsw odpru. Atrn’e hhgi eth gsared ourdp btu ’mi good adn fo tawh csores. Rpdou of si you hwta i’m. Btu ruyo h,mesneiectva eyerml tno uyo. Ouy tlef may nieardem ahve aumnin,h ubt uoy yuo. Uyo splee who maetrt weer on oyu yuo ttllei ilstl ,on reew. Dan esilm icns,onnotce eamd adem oelepp uyo. Ochlso evrey ,ady edcat oyu ereyv ya,d yerfsulo to day bde fo ogt uto twne evyre ilek. To sahtt’ of hgsoteimn eb puodr. Erdieelv aswuh inot got ’im ew atth. Ti flee an trwho i,t mksea ehyvegrnit ds’tone syesianrlec btetre nouce amke it it eefl tbu all. Did uoy it. Ti ddi i. Ew did it. Ok st’i nda. Si ouy ts’awh tnotrimap i ohw eoleglc mreo tnah rdnednutas. A;reng dnntasured fo i ryou ;sesdnas uryo i eht dnustnedar ryuo i aerhdt uoyr itoclcn;f i nsnedaturd ruutef ndaenrdstu. Lal ti i esdndtranu. I smpireo. Dersnnautd no rvee lsee uyo tyrul eno mya. Teh y,ou awy on wya hatt be gtyasn in het knwo tjsu uryo not lymeer ro ya,w neo slee dan hte od ouy nete vree doyb ttha ni ranbi llwi. Unddreastn i btu oyu. Do uoy reaacteipp i. As i nkwo tno ucmh osdu,hl i as. Hguneo ogdin you tihs i outhhg,r nad eb ad(n nodwu’lt ltsil it tnew teh a laso evyre i wluod eerw ouy ti )ddo if tub yda be uyo htat okwn hte tib rfo tnhdkae tihs. Ayaywn dan tahw anwt nokw i’m to elgcelo to ot tub inggo i know i twha aveh g,o i,n litls i do’tn i do mrjao. Edn fof hte msea i yinasg ’ill way taht rcea ni tll,ysa. It eerw rtohw and uyo are. Wnok i i arec nda y,ou. Endo ryeou’. E’royu oned. E’ouyr nedo. .

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


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