A letter from Jan 15th, 2022

Dear almost 24 year old me, Hi, I'm sure you've read multiple letters already from me and maybe even ones I haven't written yet. But let's set the scene. It's technically already Fridat, January 14th, 2022, 01:22 am. You're still at home in Egypt. You're flying back to the Netherlands today after spending 4 consecutive months in Egypt. It was your longest stay in Egypt since moving to the Netherlands permanently 10 years ago in 2012. In the past couple of years, you really started to hate Egypt. It started to feel less like home and more like a burden. It conflicted you, because the Netherlands never felt like home either. How can a person not have a home? Can a soul really just be lost like that? I guess all child immigrants face this issue. But it really caused a whole identity crisis in your life. Throughout your teenage life people always criticised you that you either weren't Arab enough or Western enough. The only word in common here is not being enough. So you never felt like you were. Back in senior year of highschool you decided to just go back to Egypt. At the time Egypt did feel more like home because your family hadn't shown their true colors yet and you thought you could build a life here. But you were naive. You soon realised that this was unrealistic. But the idea of never returning to Egypt was frightening. How can the county I grew up in just disappear from my life? How can I just never actually know what it means to me? You couldn't help but wonder what the possibilities were. So you decided to go back after college for as long as you can. And so you did. September 2021 you flew back and lived here 4 happy months. I'm so grateful that I get to say that they were happy. And by no means were my bad expectations not met. They were. But because I was expecting them and already had my reaction to every single situation figured out, I wasn't surprised. So ultimately they were happy. And I can say with confidence that I grew immensely in the past few months aswell. I an finally say that I'm happy with who I am. I'm confident and energised. 2021 was the preview. I have a good feeling about this year. I'm confident that whatever happens is meant to be but I'm still optimistic. In 2020 I was suddenly put infront of a mirror. I suddenly felt the loss of my childhood. The happy and social child was suddenly gone and I never understood why. And then I was faced with it. Why had I become like this? I suddenly disliked myself. I started to recall memories that I felt were part of my turning point. I was a extroverted kid with a million dreams who turned into an introverted adult with a billion dreams, trust and emotional issues. When I realised what happened it just made my sadness worse. I longed to that extroverted child. I felt sorry for her. How people wronged her. In 2021 I started the healing. I was working on myself and I wanted to get to know me. Who was I really? Am I far off from the child I used to be? There was just one way to find out. Go back to the place I lived when I was that child. Only surround myself with the people that influenced that happy child to be so wonderful and see what happens. And that's how we came full circle. My return to Egypt made me realise that I am still that child. It's the bad people around me that make me hide that child to protect her. Not just anyone has the right to meet her. I finally feel like me again. I finally know what home means to me. I finally know how to take control of my own life. I finally understand where I'm going. I'm following that child. Whatever she wants I'll do. Because she'll lead me to happiness. I'm ready to start blooming. I'm ready for the next chapter. I hope to hear good things, insha'Allah. With love always, Your past self