A letter from Jan 5th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, It’s January 5th, 2022. I’m not happy. I feel really lost and without purpose. I love Rich but all I do is fear his *****. I’m still plagued by my childhood. My dad didn’t just steal that part of my life from me. He also is stealing my happiness, my peace even today. Healing from that kind of trauma doesn’t happen overnight, I know that. But I at least wish the nightmares would end. I just want to be happy and normal. I sit at home all day. I try to go into the office to help Rich but I still don’t feel fulfilled. I hate the winter. I hate feeling so stuck and unhappy. I just want my life to have meaning. I want to love rich without the fear of losing him. I want to take pictures and people to see the pictures I take as beautifully as I see them. I want someone to recognize my talent. I want to want to live. This weight is so heavy. I’m scared to deliver this in 5 years because if Rich is dead in five years I know that this letter will be soul crushing. I miss my brother. I hope that in a year I’m happier because right now I couldn’t be farther from it. I hope my asthma is better too and I’m on vyvanse. I hope I have more friends. I hope I feel closer to Jesus. It’s been about a month since I attempted suicide. It seems as though everyone has already forgotten. I haven’t. I still think about how depressed I am. I still think about wanting to die. Those feelings are just being suppressed because I’m motivated to feel happy right now. But once that motivation is gone I imagine that those feelings will come back to the surface. I hope that tomorrow is a better day than today. I hope that this year is happier than the last. I hope I find purpose and a reason to like being alive outside of just Rich. I hope my anxiety of losing him gets a bit quieter. I just really need God to intervene not just in my life but in my mind. Future me, I hope you’re happier than present me.