A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Sebcaue ktinh rbs)saenamig whsos esinc ve'i ti i mchu wgnor itb hwo. .
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Brdtyiah thta a mdait bit ffdiitucl aws my i. Wadotsr hsit het i hntmos utb 'im tginiwr tr,fea eyrpl prytet anisriglp two was dab htta rtefuu kwee thnikgni. Rienanuttyc nad ignosrrdnuu ddysnleu i dna i mchu so umimcyont anidgerd deattsr sith,aslopnire letf aaurgtoind. Nrefsdi yb vosle a -iyj-o reiht my iyradhbt ellifd love aws ma shgonscirto,m thiw and cshu edpstei aluatc tbu bdlsese fyailm oodg ot h,att eb adn em nueorrudsd. & ;keac a tnigh eesn i altuylac naana,l brrtsreawy a,mem teh ahve i hemdoeam wsa ti etrpseitt swa higvna anan reev nad ti by did pu end. Had nnride heuso i at a smdmui ldoiseciu. Weer lerett mtfrceipe adn but ofr is oryu how hwo egrac to i ofr em ti pmttnoria of mfleys sevnroi eryev hvae cbak rctleedfe ashtt' dxsitee dna dera we no. .
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Cenis 'dton ,onshte itsll od lkie chagedn vei' 7,1 i'm mi' owkn my taht eefl hten !tetnswie umch kile ltlis to i be i i in ubt so elfe. H"ec"diikll file to snbigles so eebn a that peek mihysw atht vei' labe 'ill fo ti in otcun ym some. Thinsg lla idd ecloelg idd ctreumpo oubtd uyo adn 'mi fo it agrjoimn esy, hw(y i into ni ah?tt,?) meka er,ngngiiene. Eenvr etatserg pu otthghu nhat end ym exiepnceer hte lilsin)io oasl i( fo ew xdetpcee is t'is fo ahtw it fnrtidfee tbu ni i'd so abmye the neeb osfciredln flie. A evi' sa ads dna i darh ysad gnwor e'vi dha owh erddvcesio yreall tbu ma so dan nrpsoe uchm stn,gih. Nwdo irayitnrevst a ew--earichhld yslfme in nda elhsdreiap mrof ngnhiisif ourgp reya sa won vene 'mi iberwtetets i almls naziagm is tpigpens tmumoyicn dan nudfo deedn pu uijorn an ym up taht. Ellfgino- e'vi nredsif dunof. Penitnsihr teh neve na );! fro ndeli up i ahev tsnghllreia- het atbou umsrem. . . Ehh. Ehesculd si any my nwko i etebtr eslep tdn'o if. Own asylwa tkhni swa trtpey ubato i,t atht adb it i. Fo to meor 'sti ayerl pu suerlggt ndiflteyie a kwae hmuc.
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Ian,gtks ttah ttsdear vreye itwh tlka i eeeery/vwk hetor hsuldo i htis to go utjs ahd t'si funyn ahghtn newh aigan week usabcee tkgsina aubto ouy eltrte dear. G-rhitt-i irgnefe si 'oryue. Good pu ,year latalucy t!no mresafhn ro ti my ldribrenalgol ueqit ebeveli ev'i i olsa pdkeci totgen. Oyud(' critleec so buoat two i emmsrus an and uragit tah)t ceditxe hubgto eb goa. But giautr asetl ttah lsipgyn'a igruat ym ta ont ,tetbre uchm is etptyr my.
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Lilst wigndar 'mi ocuser of. Ateldb eth gseus aignmaz dols wsa siftr tar temi i picreeexne of i most rderha rjnyaau i ristf tdeious a,thgtfri ym shti rfo wdar nifd het but niotncoevn adn tspa st'i ti met!i at to to ym. Put i i ni itmes out cakb nda tne emad vene hawt sold. Yb wyaa oocl woh i yeevnore pousrtpive dan lwonb aws was. Nto ti -avgn-naeei oltslbeayu a x,eenpiecer woldu fo 0110/ do asw krow if. Ruet smyefl terhe on ym eadmr ntigutp sdlpyia nad a wno ielk saw eesing kwor uot omec. .
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Onwk ym cnoigm ouy sdie il'l rcervisdeeod to i ehav ortexdreetv onup lelgeco. Peploe iienldcebr mte evi' os mayn. ,noeg fro mceo weilh lefi rea meos my sorhet i senifrd adn wokn eahv. Nda akte aanlna sam. Hwo a a and bceoem no anr ngiht duwlo toin nito ghhutto het ossctel a egam i iglr fo i reevn owt eblmdsut dnoinfstca rnodma reetts ugy my. And i yndeob in itvnaytsri;re duonf pasdhe has fnlyatudniolao usylipitrla ommtuycni mohe hits orsdw me. Denaelr rtguhho iispeldpsihc nyma ardh tuthrs so e'iv. Dha sceisrontonav oecm dahr eisd rheto v'ie and teh rrsngote tuo. "nwko it msane to 'iev etl sallw htwa and dan dscvoire nodw alneedr to onknw be linalfy my. Ludedal geon n'thas ywaa erielar, eeptmlylco i teh ot " icityusern sa. My utb eovci eliaredz my in ietdityn rvepeeic ni aehd ro thwa in tish,cr slei otn em syas hte ohw oherst htta i've. Frgtleau edvol, i ofr i ma am os wokn o,s i dna atht.
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Aesdk dna diitnecn olclgee nda no erp yr,ea nebe vene tomacnri adn haers pus 'ive icnes edhcrsu aslet otu osal ),reaf t(a uhohgtr sowdn of ifar i eon my gnoe. At taht tsi,em elvsrae. High lsocho erve eecet,dxp ngmthesoi ti's em v'weluod not ouy. Errembem nopu rwko ahd otu to ew when ngoimc intmesd 'tnidd aslpr?seonthii hatt eeogllc rtdwaos egtra ratcicys that hy,ae. Smfhnear ngcrarsi miet a ng,ol gnol su y,lnrotnufatue edned atth aeepld hnmotiesg we pu erya oint fro. Shit 'itddn a fultas i hte i cakuinnpg rfo sratt ym tlniu asw l,ong dna dne terssmee on os tol nda fo urht admehas. 'vei btu nlafle tkinh teciw i taht ecsni. Tsoaintiu hdalned and orbvmnee ahtt ec,rdjtee utb ecaer,-old ew edn het os oehst wsa almls mi' fo i augrltef for uropg frgaluleyc tals neo pu awy utla)lcay bhot csnnigefos idd to (ym leoppe. Tuabo tol 'reew tnriaeivbully now, nitutgsr adn neilfseg a agtuth dna em ti tsohre ithw rseloc my neve. .
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Of ygu in lsilt it, a a ilensnsges i btu elynurtrc ma own naseso rgthi gultfrae ot m'i ltngaik orf nad. Ekli ihm sya i udlwo i. Sah tlil' udloc go no be fi nda buhn--ett cfta w-enr-naiyhe i ewr'e opvenr rnisrygslpiu uydt,rsha -gnieliifgv engitme resu tno ti eben onwrg. Who taht are bene gitsrtun v'ei ot niem ap,nl his eagrnnil and nserrduer rteebt ways ntah ot 'dgso. Stih m'i alergutf rlagsrdese of rrcutne fro epsphan, gyu atwh. Ssppeuo a so i ees tonhm l'lwe in awht penasph thta or htwi.
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Thiw liaymf. . . Is't dcatlopeicm. Sha iealzer it hnte enbe, yuo ayawsl 'ddint bcak fi it neve. Rtsuh veen hoerts atdoy apckun em aetrle ot ttha owh shdpae lto ahve i to gcnomi tleitl cfoder a to elocegl of tfrnyeouantul. Nlbutvelyiair het ugerslgst tlo tnaamtcthe htwi of isss,ue a. . . . Raieds eewr do frmo tems we ehty woh. Eht eebnsknsro nda bnee to laifym in tfluifidc mceo its' hitw to our tsmre. Lwdou rin-i-gsoanealezs enbe sith rtrhae i ohem gsrlgtsue eht taht eb tbeggis of rcurnte noe thts'a yrhaween fo tbu. Enve sllowy ,faer het fro gehnlia and is e,hnt dog ctoolnr rtuh, seired. 'vie i ist' eivsl et'ssirs og vaeh lte rgip watn my koya to lairzeed eth to vero fo. Tnpaer i hte nto'd rdith heav be to. Setpnar adn aithf apoedrhtno threi woirggn caltalyu rea my ni. Em to xtte tgynaseagnte/e the utryl em ssertis ttrus tlisl ym tghhuo esurco and in ttah rhe'ety evne atcf fo ireth uqernleft,y esyra eebssld hitw i'm won ghnoeu. Be yuo (ow,w uyo iths wlil wteor hwen gea rewe alaibsel teh eltetr snoo. Sth'at yczra. ).
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Li am nuf ot fta,c i sllti lkntgai. I taht ssuge ckdeki eevnr i atihb. Eengikp kcehc ni e'yehrt lsitl me.
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Si to htat my reev erptro tihaf anth torgerns m'i hpyap. Htiaf mneta i wno ot hda my cdoisver ot awht ym ti ryalel akme. I e,htn imh nielphstiroa mcuh bcak neev if hwat idn'td ohw raundndtse dog enatm a ealirdze i eend i twih. Sih fniiivgg-el in taht ndrleea i gsteirn remo nigohnt etsh'er and atnh pyslmi imgortfnoc ecpreens. Msoe aruiitlsp cbak ieilnpsicds veyre lbieb ilek v'ei nignmor eth arngdei rdtesat pu,. Ohw oolrnlyoa,hccgil lriaeez eth isth ym 'its lla rof libbe ededicd oogd eenb dn2 ot wleho ldbieynicr ugtrohh lfei i nda eebn uamles e'sh diunngorg m'i ta read het eliwh w!on ot ahpnigs. Tturs in mhi ti liek i semotmn yeyvedra hawt koslo eth rfo bahror ssle i usacbee eth nkow ot eixtayn ftruue. A lasml fahti oy5a1le-rd- eth fo uyo veen ackb koto yuo nhtka e,nht ofr spset as ltliet. I 'yuod who kihtn of ie'v omec afr eb roupd.
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Orudp stju os to dnwaet yas uyo akbc you nowk ltef fo i htat n,eht nda rleoeehvmdw i mi'. It o;tu you you was ardh ioggn nweh it ktpe hgugted. Teh yscra ldorw rsue bgi i'm su medsee to dan. Doe,s lilts seosmemti it. That reeht ilslt i'm si abkc to dna og erehw tbu afr i from mace kolo os lldfie ihwt tnonoicciv i at. 'sodg ndcerlibie and pnerrta alpn i an ni do,og to tge eudtearvn si. For ifdenftre eb lfie uod'y em ohw zdmaea ksool e,m at etillt wno. Mi' so but umhc peihrap os,. .
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Me oinpt ofr entigtg tnahks itsh to. Tno pu fro vinggi nsahtk. Vloe ouy i. Okol rhottege five abck ea!ysr eornath in es'lt.
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Creni,eyls.
Oyu mofr eth ufurte.
5/624]/0[2.

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