A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Eincs i wrngo aesebcu humc ihnkt owh i'ev snamrisea)gb tbi sowsh ti. .
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Saw tdima a ym i liufictdf tath bit htbiryad. Leyrp hte sipanrigl keew knnthigi i uerutf btu otwrsda bad asw rntwiig hsit htta two pttery shmnot mi' ate,fr. Eittynarunc arsdett etlf tiuagnoard ncytomuim dylsunde tplshseiaonri, i uhmc i rnuudigsorn gneidrad nad dna os. Am rithe ruesdroudn em sedtipe eb yiardthb dan tub lsdsbee ,hatt nad loev sloev iwth flleid ot ogdo ym rfindse a ualatc schu fimlya -joyi- yb saw nihmgcsosrto,. Wsa heav did ,mmea gnahvi evre it ckae; naan a nthgi teh heamemdo & up aln,aan esne i stpteriet yb bsrywrtrea i allcuyta asw ned nda it. A nnride uoldecsii sudmim soehu at adh i. Woh fo treelt read vsoreni oitarntmp rewe rof ew flyesm rof xdeiste yuro hwo is vaeh yreve i to em on btu eeicmrtpf and nda ta'sht cgare kbca frelceted ti. .
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Thsneo, my tnod' scnie deghnac so htat elfe eb leik eiv' tneh lislt do klie m'i eie!tntsw hmcu eefl to but wnok 71, im' i illst ni i i. Eenb ahtt hywism lbae ttha it k"l"leicdhi a ot my efil ni epek gssblein ucton 'iev 'lil osem fo os. Joigrman nad tduob ni ddi (hyw idd hstngi i ti a,ht?t?) sy,e meak itno n,gngieniere eoleclg uyo lla fo 'im ctrmpeuo. Teh pexeedtc dencliosrf mbyae eexpriecne wtah ubt fo (i eth pu enrdiftef i'd t'is end hotgtuh alos iefl ym in si ti fo vnree nebe taetsrge ew so athn )niisloli. Dsya and so uhmc sepnor ahd dna ads ma as rwogn vi'e ,nsgthi vedioedcsr ubt ev'i dhra a llreya woh i. Now is trestweebit ddeen an lmsla ufnod rinujo my nda eirdpsealh dna raey i pu ri-wl-daehech vreitirynsta in ttha a iniihgsnf fomr pegnpsti eenv as azaimgn pu ownd eysfml gpruo 'mi yimmontuc. I've dniesrf dnfou glno-elif. Up hnprietnis ilend orf ubota i an het !); aevh hte smrume -ieasglthlrn vnee. . . Hhe. Bteret nkwo i fi nod't si yan sleep ledhuesc ym. Ti khitn sylaaw saw own bda tpyret tuabo ti, htta i. Gesrtgul cmuh lyrea up a etielydinf rmoe wkea of to i'st.
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Ohsdlu lkta sntaikg eeyee/rkwv scueeab anagi tsi' otabu i kewe ouy i attsrde tath whti nahhtg nehw ared iths ohtre go ,gatinks dah ynufn jsut eeyrv to tlrtee. Negifer is -thirti-g euryo'. Aols my eiv' ro ilbeardgnorll pu ayre, i evlbeei etiqu cdpkie ttoneg mnhfaser it laaytclu oogd to!n. An owt merusms yd(u'o ht)ta ohgbut ago etdixec oubta rctceile be so utigra i and. Ym ta ttha uargit ym tetb,re 'slpiygan tbu muhc auigrt not is easlt yttrpe.
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Ruosce idarwng fo isllt 'im. Tspa to i atldeb wadr ta i rehdar my frist guses ,grtahtfi eht mzgnaia e!tim tidueso dinf to of ym ihst toms eitm i penxierece dna stfir art t'is dols the tub tnooeicvnn najyura was it fro. Tawh ni enve nad utp ent sdlo i i tou emad bcak teism. Oblwn how i ayaw yeoevnre wsa cool wsa by tsruopipev adn. Xnper,ceeie loudw if a oybutlalse 0110/ gainne-vea- not ti rwko of was do. Esinge aildpsy adrme cmeo trhee was kwro retu nad own myfles otu a my klei on ngittpu. .
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Lli' deis vhea xoetterdvre nopu lecoelg yuo i konw my decvreoeirsd ot iocnmg. Etm v'ie os eeoplp mnay lreidcebni. Moes evha nad ocme ym dneirfs ethrso are ,geon lefi wnko rfo i lihew. Nad atke sam aalnan. Het hwo wlduo eobcem oitn toni veenr a i maeg i rigl my a ramdno colstes of fasitocnnd tugohth lmudtseb setert tow ygu dna on anr night a. Em dnufo rtyirnsai;tev spaedh i meoh tcuomymni and ylftudnailonao shit ni has dboney ituylaplris wosrd. Nmya 'vei tuhgohr idiphpieslcs rdah os rtstuh ednealr. Snrtorge sncvsteoniaro adhr and dsie ahd hte eroth uot iv'e emoc. Ahtw irovcdes iev' dwno wnonk ot my be let adn ti ot dan esanm slwla "nowk aifylln deeanlr. Lpeetlcomy het " rale,rie htn'as i gone ot dauedll waya necyurisit as. Eecvrpei thwa dhea my me atht vcieo eils or ubt zdeleria tno ,thiscr ni hwo dtiniety ysas in in my rtehos het 'vie. Atth i ,evdlo nwko os i i dan am for argtleuf o,s am.
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Of sup ltase afir nesci i aols adn my toughhr hrcudse otu ,eray sdnow neeb tidncnie at( dan dan per dekas share oen on logecle nvee atonircm e,af)r iev' eogn. Reasvle taht ie,smt at. Reev lcsoho wol'udev it's e,pdecxte itengshom hhig em you ont. Tsycraci npou enwh we breeemmr ea,yh dinmset dtdin' ahtt lelgoce leiintpshro?sa cinogm had ttah kwro tou ot dasowtr aretg. Olng, su a up rgcnisar tmie nt,otrefuyunla eedalp iton eray hatt ongl ew aermnshf ognhmtise orf ddeen. Het aaeshdm iulnt a ruht on uningapck dan g,nol i rof edn 'itddn my arstt fo fsluat asw lto etessmre i hits adn so. 'evi fnaell scnie tciew ntkih that but i. Idd ned )ytlaclua 'mi htbo wsa porgu sitnatoui rclfluayge wya sallm oepple tarfeugl tehos tath ew ot eth up (my os lsat i rof cfnnsiosge dladhen noe utb adn erlec,o-ad of ctjreeed, bnomrvee. A adn tbuoa r'wee em ti hroets lot srecol vene my tuthga nwo, nda tliainlrvebyu lgfeinse gitrutns twih. .
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Of lslit rof ma 'mi ugy lsgnsensei adn lretrcnyu i ,ti ot egrftlau onw ntgailk hgrit tub a a ni ssnoea. Ysa odwlu i him i eilk. Fi no rsue go ton ash ti uttnhb-e- ctaf i'tll erwe' been nigteme eviifln-gig lsnsiriyugrp ryu,adths neovrp eb rowgn eyr-n-ewnaih adn ludoc i. Stitgnur grialnen eensurrrd who ways lnp,a atnh ot to eben 'vei eebrtt hatt nmie are ihs nad g'dso. For fo a,enppsh fgearult mi' egldearrss thsi wath creutrn guy. Ll'ew i oupseps wtah ni atth apnhpes a see so htwi ohtnm ro.
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Imfaly whti. . . Opmicdlteac i'ts. Neth fi ilereaz kabc eenb, yuo it yasawl ahs ti t'ddin even. To ostreh urths enve tlo to hwo fo hatt ltleit yodat gncmoi ahve gcoelle a ot padehs yulanrteofutn froedc em ckpnua i etlera. A of uesi,ss whit sugelrgts het tlo vltrebliuynia mttaceatnh. . . . Mofr yhet od rsaied woh ewre ew tsme. Dan eosnrksbne yimfla nbee ni rmest hwit rou fiuciltdf ot omce ist' teh ot. Htat ttas'h bene ahrtre rreuntc yeehwran the sieggbt utb eb tsugrlsge i omeh sr--lnaienoseaizg wudol hsti of of one. Clonrot ,hent ihlaneg eirdse slwylo nda ,raef odg orf het is eenv hut,r. Want i vaeh eovr go ot ipgr vi'e my draelezi ivsle ot yoka res'ssit of s'ti etl eth. To traepn d'ton tirhd het i evah eb. Wnigrog ahift in prtnsea are dan rtohapdneo ehtri my ctlyalua. Ni onguhe now fo mi' enve creuos stna/yetganege em ttsur ethir tslil me ot yehte'r that uhhogt ryaes sledbse ym rsesist eqlty,efrnu wthi and rutyl teh ttxe tafc. Biaasell oyu nhwe lwil uyo sthi terlet rweto osno ega w,w(o the were be. Zryca tt'ash. ).
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I ilstl li am to fun ,acft iantlkg. I eikdck atht aitbh gsesu i never. Tlsli ekenigp em hyeret' ni cehck.
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Thta yhapp my mi' to atnh si veer eptrro fihta sreognrt. Nwo had it anmet i ocdrivse iathf ym my ot emak ralley ot wtha. Emnat i owh hmi cmhu abkc ddrnnesatu rzeieald whit god tn'did even if wtah nede hnet, siraeoilhntp a i i. Ntah encsepre glgiefn-iiv more ihs adn laernde i imlyps gnesrti tath ni 'rtsehe mfgtnocrio nohgtin. Akcb reagnid etrdast 'vie lbbie eth itrlipsua ,pu yeerv ikel emos oimrgnn nisdcespili. Lla mluesa 2nd didceed 'tis i hsti hignpsa gdoo w!on learzie my ogungnrdi nbee rhguoth eht cbinilrdye to lbbei elfi hwoel ihlwe i'm bene hwo ta ognicyclhrloa,ol 'hse hte for daer adn ot. Rutst i het edyrevya rfo ohabrr csbeuae i smtnmoe rufeut to wnok it mih ahtw the ni ksool sles ytexina ekli. Sa ckba orf nvee epsst l5ore-a1-dy ouy a litelt allms afith fo the hnkat otko uyo ,neht. Evi' ordpu hwo rfa fo meoc i be 'uody thnik.
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Yas os you stju and ouy m'i i i tdawne odurp mroeeedvwlh to ownk of ckab tfle hatt h,ent. T;ou you tguehdg it oyu saw ti ketp oggin hnwe adrh. Su eht wldro scyra big mdseee ot dna ures im'. Ltisl miessmote ,edso it. Og atht fra flidle kolo i ta so lslit rethe ecam i mi' bcka wheer ithw rfmo si vocnciinto and tbu ot. Na ot odg's in rntprea ,oogd i is evuranetd rnedciielb nlpa dna tge. Ifel lettil own be uo'dy me oklso at einterdff ,me hwo maaedz rfo. Uhcm os, i'm tub so rhepiap. .
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Thknsa ttggein ptino ot em fro tihs. Not rof saknth pu gvnigi. Yuo i eolv. Fvie sary!e toteehrg kcba kloo est'l in aonthre.
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Ner,eyislc.
Utreuf uyo eth omfr.
625]//24[0.

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