A letter from Nov 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, He was a campus crush, and I was an honor student/ nerdy looking girl. I was really into him in highschool. He was my first love. And I think my greatest! We became classmates. And since then, we were always paired up. As my classmates teased us, he will always look at me, smiling. It was embarrassing, at first. But deep inside, It brings joy. For me, he was the only man who take a glance at me. Even if it was not totally for affection. I was still happy with the fact that he still see me. Those teasing sounds of our classmate lasted for almost 5 years. If we're in showbiz, you can call us the phenomenal love team. Hahaha. And during those years, I was really into him. In the year 2017, we became classmates again, and that was the most happiest moment for me. It was genuine. He made me believe that he see me as a woman. We always go to the beach, sit there and talk about where would life brings us. Asked if we were together for a long time. I was really happy. And I can't put into words how happy I am when I'm with him. He became my last dance on my 18th birthday, kneeling down, holding a bunch of roses in his hands. His heart was beating so loud, not sure if he were nervous or something. He is my crush for a very long time and then suddenly, he was there, with me. And we are dancing in front of a large crowd. Silly, but I can say that it was like a fairytale. The next month became so memorable for me, he was my first kiss. And at that moment, I was really sure that I want to stay with him for the rest of me. That I don't want anyone else, but him. It was April, and I decided to leave our hometown to study. I was confident that we can still surpass the gap. That even if we had no label, we were still good. But **** happens. I become too obsessed with the idea of him leaving me first. We barely talk, and whenever I try to fix things up, he will never show up. That even if I travel a three to four-hour travel, he will ignore my messages. And it hurts. I was so devastated. Because except for my family, he is the only one that keeps me from going. I began to question my worth, and it made me miserable. I message him, saying that we need to stop right there. And he agreed. And it broke me, again. But this time, it was so deep. It's been three years, since then, we barely talk to each other. But deep inside, I really want to talk to him. To check if everything is ok, to ask for another chance. But I was really afraid of rejection, and he had already forgotten about me. He has a new girlfriend, and since all my friends knew about us, the messages piled up on my screen. I was shocked. And suddenly, as pictures of them flooded my social media, I became too weak to do anything. It was still him, and before then, I had decided that after I pass the board exam, I'll ask him to start over again. I'll ask him to get married. Things were really too hard for me. But destiny really has its way to pissed me off. He asks for a closure. And I said, "Sure, no worries, let's clarify things" It was hard, to finally know that the person that you love for years really had someone else. That he only had a short affection for you. That he doesn't care at all even if it hurts you, again, It was deep. I cried for almost a week for that. It hurts. I want to beg, I want him to come back. Cause I'll do everything, I will make him proud. But, no. I never do that. Because I have kept my worth within me. Months have passed and I flooded myself with school works and part-time jobs. Because when I'm busy, it was hard to think of him. I'm crying right now