[13-14] THE FIRST WORDS OF AN E-TH*T

Hey future me! This is my first letter through "futureme.org" I hope you choose to continue writing letters, every year... hopefully :) You've aged a year. Happy 14th birthday! It's past you writing to you right now. I'm 13 years old, and I have some goals I hope to achieve in the following year: (I'm too impatient to wait any longer for this - I'll write another to myself next year.) 1. I want us to stop looking for attention online. I want our discord addiction to stop, and I want us to stop entertaining creepy men. I've already realised we do this for attention and entertainment. It makes us feel truly seen, seen as ourselves, not "that really smart girl." - Plus, our discord addiction is very unhealthy. We crave for affection, from complete strangers. We've grown up too fast, our childish innocence has left us so quickly. I don't want this to continue, for us to spiral downwards. - We're only 13-14! We really should stop... 2. I want us to break up with our girlfriend. It's obvious she doesn't love us, and just wants the attention and help with her studies. I want us to end this one-sided 'love' and focus on our studies. - We're still young, and I believe we have mistaken platonic love for romantic love. It just... felt nice to have someone care for us, especially after everything mother did to us. Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this, haha. 3. Like I said in number 2, I want us to focus on our studies. I've realised now that I've grown, I need to work hard to properly get something in this life. We need to build up time and work management skills. We need to become better. 4. I want us to quit playing genshin. We've received so much hate for it, and I honestly can't deal with it anymore. We need to study, not waste time playing stupid games. 5. I hope our break-up doesn't split our entire circle of friends. I hope we can part ways peacefully. Future Me, if you're reading this, tell me: what happened? - Did we do it? - Maybe we have new friends? - Where are our old friends now? (If you cant remember them, P, M and S. Maybe J? Maybe G?) 6. I want to quit art. Med school isn't for artists, ha ha. Jokes aside, its clear our dearest mother wouldn't appreciate her only daughter trying to get into a career in art. Such an unstable route. 7. Start writing poetry or songs. - I need to get better at English. I need to become the perfect student. 8. Learn Polish - Start watching Polish movies - Start reading Polish books etc. - Learning multiple languages is useful (In case you've forgotten - because we're quite forgetful:) The incident that happened in 2021. Our best friend of 2 years, Jack. We met him online, he said he was 13. He's about 14-15 now, I think. He lives in Poland. I started learning Polish to atone for what I did. Maybe someday, I could find a way to apologize. When we first met him, I'm sure you'll remember how hateful he was. White supremacist, homophobic, and believing in the Nazi ideology. I remember we... bonded(?) over our shared love for cats. He had two cats and a dog, and we often spent our evenings watching cat videos together. Slowly, I started thawing out his cold, hard, outer shield and found a young boy with hair of gold. I couldn't help but feel affection towards him. I became almost glued to my phone, talking to him in the thin slivers of time we were both awake - a small window in the morning, a slightly bigger one at night. He would stay up to talk to me, he would understand when my mother would take away my phone, or when I suddenly left in the middle of our conversations. He would send me updates throughout his day, interesting things he found, interesting things he did. We talked about SCP-3008 - our favorite. We talked about how cool it would be if we went into SCP-3008 together, and other topics I can't even remember. He would send me cat pictures and cat videos, the things we could talk about were never-ending. And then he confessed to me. I remember it was on his birthday. (I can't remember the date now... September 27, 2020?) He used a crappy pick up line, I still remember it, ha ha... it was: "Don't say nein, please be mine." I remember how happy we were on that day. I knew it could never work out. We were 13-15, I lived in New Zealand, and him in Poland. I was an Asian gifted kid burnout, and he was a Polish white supremacist boy, loved by his family. Not only was race barring our way, we had never met face to face. What if we met up, and it just... didn't work out? I was mistaking platonic affection for romantic affection. And guess what? I did it again with our current girlfriend. I guess we're just hungry for attention, huh? Maybe we're destined to be alone, forever. So, I decided that I would break up with my poor Jack. I blocked him, made a new account, and... that was it. But no, past Me had to crave attention, so I joined a server that he owned (basically a group chat on discord) and I became friends with him again. But he realised it was me. So I left again. And I went back again. I tormented him for too long. He became that dull boy again, with eyes of frost. He put up barriers. And I feel guilty now. Because I'm the one that left that impact on him. Because it's my fault. My grades started failing. My mother put more and more pressure on me to perform well. More and more of my homework started going missing. None of my friends took notice, but that's fine. And then my current girlfriend confessed to me. And I mistook platonic love for romantic love. Again. Maybe I just didn't want to ruin our friendship, and now I'm faced with the terrifying choice of what to do Music taste right now: Personally, right now, the songs I like the most are probably: - j^p^n - amend - It Boys! - Guys Don't Like Me - Leanna Firestone - Diet coke - Mindless self indulgence - F*ggot - Jazmin Bean - Saccharine Quite a large range, don't you think? I'm a little nervous about posting this anonymously. My entire heart, out for others to see. I hope anyone reading this doesn't judge my actions too harshly. I can already feel the regret seeping into my soul. P.S: Don't forget to write a letter to the Future Future Me :) (Plus a response! You cant forget about meee~) If you aren't dead yet, congrats! Maybe we'll get to live a good life. Timezones are a little messy so you might get this a day after our birthday, which would be kinda embarrassing. Ah well, it cant be helped