A letter from Nov 13th, 2021

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, hi future me. I don't know if you're alive to read this but if you are, i'm so incredibly proud of you. I am really struggling right now. I can't get clean, and I feel like i'm hanging onto life by a thread. this is a message to you to remind you to keep going. i don't know what life is like when you get this, I don't know if mom is alive, or if you're still in love with T, or if I'm recovering from my ED, and SH. I wanted to tell you a few things future me, then I wanted to ask you some questions. firstly, you need to reach out for help. if you can't fix it on your own you need to talk to our parents. they might send you to grippy sock jail, but to be honest, we probably need it. if I wasn't afraid of leaving everything I have so fragily built up I would check myself in right now. secondly, you need to learn how to set boundaries. i'm trying so hard to cut P out of our life because of his constant hate, and homophobia, and ******, and abuse, but I can't because D won't let me. the other thing I wanted to talk to you about was n, and p. have you come out to them, and if you have, are they speaking to us? I wouldn't be surprised if they just cut me out. remember to talk to t, alright? if you're asking which one, both of them. talk to both of them. a very wise fortune cookie told me that it is during difficult times when true friends become apparent, so remember to reach out. and remember, living isn't just going to school and singing at shows, and doing homework, and going to collage. its moments like the basement moment, when the world fell away completely, and the only thing that was left was us, just like when you saw her for the first time in a year and a half, and the first time you gave N a hug in years. life is the little things too. its foggy mornings, and singing in choir, and when we put the twinkle lights on the Christmas tree. if you can't stay for anything else, stay for that.

Epilogue

1 day later

you are so strong my darling, you are so strong. I am more proud of you than you could even imagine. I know you are hurting, I know how bad...

Teebrt ot i get sit tlel ontsd'e teha ,tsruh ouy htta adn it myattaaiolucl. Less and rofm eanlc am snto,mh i emcebo the orf a ie'v ether gt,ohuh dna neeb esls ervo lcnae ttelli elsf qftnerue hmra segur. Ihst reirsdod ertwo nthmo trfae netw ym ddre,iosr you aremetntt for ntauetotpi a taneig sa toaub eatgni you tino. Ti swa elfi sgithn fo fo royu eon eth uegtthso. Omm a reeht fwe ocanstnt fnggtiih eigtgnt ietosrupvp nda erte'wn rfo of oyu dan pleh, hmstno was dad. One 4 to uoshr rof to feciof rheaytp evor eno nohmt dan go to ocne prguo weke, ahd osrdotc ouy uoy the and a go had no a ot. Yrou uto tinipatne fo tdtedmai naivgh saw an snnite adisten uyo ot tilspaho adn got aeknt utb scuebea eorm treah ivegn you seuiss, otg rytapeh otaslm. Rsnaoe who icuyllk lyon eimyl si iamgazn aer na teh oyu ehtasprit gto yuo rehe tyoad nmdea. .
Os otg anmyllet ubt omm ton cphlsaiyly, rttebe. Tirde ew her to out dah astl ucediis ti yrea ot hse of ltka adn mmcoit. Ti was harteds neo flie of oru het of etnmmso. .
Yeth ,t sodeefscn eefbro we us pdudme prom ot obrefe 3 teadd yad yuo mnosth orf dna het lniafly. Rwko lelyar uot os'ntde niascted nsurt tuo olgn. The abuto we tkadel isenc lal the ttha krbapeu stdaher eathnv' nhitg it is. Rfideirnlg we renifd a os olst tesb adn a. .
Lla ttha ouy tbu meda of ohghurt it. .
In wnts'a ti nad avni. .
Teh tis corhi no nda og utalylac uyo rlleya tirp ufn. Oyu dna uoy engrai atf,ni sedpopt het otms nliegfe olts uyo fo egiwth. J asw a tihw mead nad a efnsird rdhwiwlni ehrsinipfd cyneiarlt fo ti ouy. Tub uoy rtehe thob erew dna a ot ogod thknas dha emth psart remmus tyrallpia atspr godo abd. .
R,seya uoy rtfea ehsto arelyl oriatptmn docvi ont gte utb lla thsat. .
And al go neth uoy to yuo etem eht mgaznai eolpep msto.
Ewke utlaac tfel na mena eikl het mevoi i. Dna egagra m, a ofr a ganrikp wdee kmesod tihw ngsso t adn ,b on to erotehgt was ekew ealb t ew top of z, wtroe nda tge. Botgrhu het nwet ot ot on ew paldye esodkm odraun a yad dceadn smuci ecbah lla nad uyo and igtrua dna gib a lal lats inerdn nad teh tnwe htwi eevrynoe nda enht. Lryela lal fo estb ghih tub flei it gnith erwe swa ew my hte. .
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Nigghan bhot idk twtihou dname m you uto dan het uto l weer hwti ,r and a a ,f ewn rdatset tmei k, os all anngghi ouy. Do oyu atsrt hte ftrsi nfu, a fro lla grurale hsignt you tmei dogin fo ertdast cbunh stnee iagnvh dan. Noyrema oyu'er tagnysi ont omm pu acer tiakng of. Araegg atrni in gnpiark tsrdate rwc and teh nggoi catsk,r the oyu to. You ndma eskmo mtei tsatr het elki ot lal. Ta easubec no dhsan uro we etg rtifs uo'ltndc wede tsi rtctgeaesi. Yub eamircnk mfor hent otl tub thkecys gyu gnkaipr ouy shti eallyr a eoms ni. Ovdci senes yuo it royu mfro dna iwht acbeesu yrou mells fo ouy omro sotl in ethn cscaeth ti you dad elmsl oruy ct'an. Gorup ifen og utb vaeh icpspritoner dayets yawayn fro acseritet,g driwe yuo is is tbu etniinoc i wdee de adn dna eedw, htta htsro ithw gonl ithw olev eurs i no eiv wichh to'nw pgsirnuirlsy ifen hs ym im a cseeuab ehs' ?it nto eh emds msd?e ayentix dtadre tihw sotry os idnfre otn eh tle. Pnoers easrdtt sthi aednm l negise 'uovye saol. Yellra tbu eyth adn rdiew ytrngi are ouy ikle emth atrehsd nights ruoy ielk ot oe'ury. Do eikl ryella e,tmh hdar t ielk tsi ouy vere ot utb bene aoneyn cnesi. .
,dab l issk whit gttnohi i tirfs it sutj it nst'wa ym ro and erve wsa had dgoo. .
Hist creav the adcrse ubt of i teim nyebiircld tiiymanc am that elenrda fo i ta olas lal laso rtghuoh smae it. .
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Cumh os vbear gnda,ril you vleo i so uyo are. .
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Opplee adn eolv to ogin,g era reeth ouy membeerr who htta peke. .
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All of thuorgh tshi rlziedae eontmhisg i nda. .
Amatru dveas ni dlouw dha i hcum cceeedsud efmysl ruht ahev so morf yslemf if i nad lilkgin. Isemsd tub aebuulitf tgihsn oldwu vhea nmay so on uto i. Nad lla feel xpeecneesri os nagia dlcou it teh ianga just hhugtor go wdlou i i uiufbetal. .
Het anestemb reemembr thiw t.
Dndsinyeal bemremre litgh hte whso ihtw j.
Gnhti remreemb the ttha and ,hceba. .
Eth uedrn ni krctsa hte gagrea dna artin day nda on agikrpn eth ahtt bedigr eebrmemr. .
Tmomnes no elik etehr igsisnm uieufblta ldcuo ucmh yoll'u tuo nda eevla that if amny eb shteo so ebmrmere so eb ouy. .
Saty dngrial rgtson. .
Evl,o with.
Nad satp futuer c. .

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