A letter from Nov 10th, 2021

Dear Future Me, I'm very sad and tired at the moment. a lot has happened these past few weeks: we moved, t. told me something that changed my worldview in a drastic way and I have realised that I can not continue to live like this. I so hope that you moved out and on. I'm still terribly confused about the whole lifelong dream thing. Like I know vaguely what I want to do..make art, write as much as I can, maybe even publish a book? I want go on long walks in the forest and swim in the sea at midnight. I want to live in Scotland, Israel, Korea, Japan, Marokko, London, my old homes, Berlin, Dublin, Paris. I want to study Philosophy and Ethics and Art and Psychology, Biology, maybe some Physics, Ancient Greek, Literature etc. I want to bake cookies in a quiet home, cuddle up with a pet or a lover in a one bedroom apartment, with too many books and so much love. I want to be able to express myself, I want to get my diagnosis, I want to make new friends and I want to loose people, I want to find new homes and leave them, I want to find a new family, everywhere I go. To tell you the truth, Future Me, I feel like a coward these days. I'm stuck back here and I feel like a child, which I probably am. I don't know how to move on, can't seem to take the right steps. It's so much easier to live in - to be fair - moderately bad conditions comfortably, than to live on my own conditions but without any knowledge on how to get through the next day. I pray each night (ironic isn't it? me the self proclaimed agnostic??) that tomorrow I'll wake up as a better adult, someone who's got her shit together, someone with, if not dreams, than at least plans, someone far, far away from this place. My love, I hope that you are one step further than me now. I hope you fulfilled yourself the wish of doing at least one of the many things that you want to do. Maybe they are not the same as they are now. Maybe you stopped having big, vague ideas and maybe it was a good day for you today, just because you got smiled at by a stranger. Whatever it is that brings you joy these days, I hope you don't loose focus on the beautiful little things. No matter if you are miserable right now, no matter if you are the happiest you've ever been, I love you and I adore you and I admire your strength and courage! hugging you from 2021, J.