A letter from Oct 31st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, That email regarding that asshole of a fwb of yours must've hurt. My life's shitty right now. It isn't really. but it feels like it is. Because my head's in a battle, a messy battle with what's real and what isn't and how I should and shouldn't be allowed to feel. It's so numbing. Whenever I feel overwhelmed i tend to find ways to feel better, to expel it all. i try to write.. but now whenever i begin to write, after a while, i just lose all of my strength to do so. i don't know i feel unstable but at the same time i feel nothing at all. it's so weird and complicated to explain. and im tired of saying im tired because im not!!! because i dont even feel it anymore., two days ago i had my first panic attack. hopefully the last one. it was all because of him. a stupid human being made me feel that way. unbelievable. every little thing in my day-to-day life reminds me of him. reminds me of times i shared with him. and most of those times remind me of the awkwardness that it was. -----sometimes i even have sudden urges of.. idk. all i know is that i feel a hole in my heart sometimes, when i miss him. it's not just a small one, no. it's an intense one. that makes me feel like pure shit. and the funniest part is that i don't even try to miss him. i dont even try to feel sad. i just do. and it's not even too much pain, like it was with marcos. but it's so .igoijaudbehsfbgv b i dont kn and worse. i feel so weird with Jesus. And i feel even weirder saying that. When i try to talk to him or worship him, i break down. the day i had a panic attack, on my way back home, i suddenly remembered about that guy and i broke down into sobs. i had to walk away from people so they wouldn't hear me. i could feel that i wanted to let those sobs out, but when they came out i felt numb. i didn't feel that agonizing pain that was supposed to come out. i don't know what's wrong. i am sad. i am heartboken. not as much as i once have been. but i am. but it's weird how the pain is manifesting itself this time. and i get so confused sometimes because how the fuck could he do that to me? how... how can a human being be so cruel? am i the problem? why do i always have shitty people in my life? i feel like i meet new people and then quickly lose them. it's a fucking disaster. it's fucking torture. i might be the problem. i need to fix myself, perhaps. idk. idk. i honestly hope that you, future me, is closer to God. closer than ever. I hope you're healed. Because i also noticed that you still have many wounds that need healing or else you're gonna keep having unstable friendships. You let out so much frustration on this guy from uni because of some stupid joke he made and you treated him the same way you'd been treating gabriel the last few weeks before you stopped being friends. i'm still scared. i don't even allow myself to get too close to people anymore. i try not to lean on them. i try not to lean on them. i try to have a good time, to be nice, i try to make him jealous, and i feel like i'm acting like a fucking idiot. i feel like im losing myself. i feel like it makes me stronger (because now one can hurt me anymore). but dumber. i have trust issues now. because how the fuck will i be able to endure another heartbreak? be it from a friend or lover. I've had so much in such little time. my ex fucked my best friend after he broke up with me. A MONTH. but that didn't even bother me, i guess. but it still did... you know? i dont know. Someone who i thought would be in my life forever, someone i thought was fucking mature and would never want to lose me FUCKING CHOSE TO ABANDON ME. Everyone abandons me. every one except God. See? im so dumb. because i dont need another love. i have God's love. and he is so in love with me. or at least the girl who was pure. the girl who didnt think about being bi. the girl who didnt masturbate, the girl who didnt suck a boy's penis. the girl who didn't consider getting drunk on a fucking beach, and the girl who still wants to do all that despite knowing it's wrong. i feel bad about it. because i know i shouldn't. and i want to go to church and meet more Christian people around my age. BUT I DON'T. WHY? WHY? Because it's my falut. I cause this. i make my own damn decisions. so what am i waiting for? Why won't i have a serious conversation, heart to heart, with God? Why am i postponing everything?? it makes no sense. i am not depressed as i write this but i really just would like to get into a one-week coma, and then wake up fully refreshed and purified and with my mind at peace. and i feel so shitty because my mother goes through so much and here i am going through shitty teenage stuff instead of just praying for my mother. God please listen to my heart. thank you so much Father for everything you do for me and my family. Bless my mother. Protect her. Protect my family. Help them all. Forgive them all. Forgive me. Help me be better. Help me get closer to You. Help me meet the right people. Help me not feel the need to be loved by a man. Help me not feel the need to be loved or fall in love I've been addicted to chocolate lately too. It's better to be a fiend of chocolate than alcohol or drugs i guess. i don't know how to explain aany of it. i hope you're at peace. i hope God's closer to you. i hope you're mentally healthy.