A letter from Sep 13th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hi Me. I really write way too many of these things. But for once I'm not sending this to a time months in the future. Only a week. I guess it's kind of an experiment to see how much my mindset can change in a week, especially since I'm planning to put my head and heart through emotional torment but that's beside the point. Yesterday, I decided it was a good idea to tell Mia and Louise. I'm not really sure if it was such a good idea, but I can't take it back. Mia was kind of judgy and Louise was PISSED. She swore and then was moody for the rest of the night. She said she was fine, but I could tell she wasn't. And then last night I made the decision. I was just going to do it. So Celeste and I brainstormed how to go about it properly. So we came up with a day and how to do it. Either Thursday night or Friday night. And I would just send a message and turn off all my notifications. And then I'm not planning to read whatever is sent back until Friday afternoon because if I'm not with someone I might have a mental breakdown. So I'm going to spend the next few days mentally torturing myself over this, and when you're reading this you might be a completely different person because of that. I just hope that it ends up being ok. I don't want to let myself have too much hope. The first time, I completely destroyed myself over such a small thing. Last time I took it better, but that was only because I had worked myself down and I was with other people (thank god) The other thing is I don't feel the same connection as I felt with the last two. I guess the only way to explain it is that what I am feeling isn't as extreme as what I felt with the other two. It is probably mostly because my head is not letting my heart get too attached in case I get hurt. I get that. But still, I feel excited when I get messages and I still feel extremely anxious when I send something. The other problem is that how the hell do I tell the others without them flipping out on me if it goes well. I only told Mia and Louise that I was talking to him and they flipped out on me. How in the world do I tell Ella, even though she pretty much gave me her consent. Hannah should be fine. I don't think Felicia will care. I'm not sure about Grace. I don't think she will care. Louise said Ella would hate me. I hope not. But that's only in the circumstance that it even goes well in the first place. But it would have been two days since everything went down by the time you read this, I hope it's not rubbing salt in the wound. Also, hello holidays! I hope we're out of lockdown by the end of the holidays, all the areas around us are out of lockdown (Gunning, Yass...) I really just want to go back to normal. Anyway, I've pretty much said what I want to, I'm going to go work out how to write epilogues now so this is me, signing off. From Kayla at the start of the week :)