A letter from Aug 26th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, August 26, 2021 The last two months have been a roller coaster..he came back. His relationship ended and he came back, I was lonely some times sad but in a good place mentally and he came back. He said he had gotten close to God and to his father and that he realized he was wrong, immature and a coward and that he had changed. He repeated that he wasn’t 18 anymore, thank he wanted something serious and his goal was to work to buy a house for his family in the future. I was so desperate for an apology, for validation because I felt like if he could only see and admit he hurt me and that I wasn’t just being crazy then I could finally have peace but in exchange for those things he brought my fears and anxieties back. I let him in the slowest way I knew how, with caution, trying to set boundaries (or at least learning to because you to the point I didn’t need them) but it still hurts, the pain is persistent and it still stings. I can only trust for a few days, I can only feel safe when I feel him close, my mind still ponders on things of the past and in my head I know I should leave. I know I’d be at least a little better off if not a lot (if not flourishing) in a season of complete singleness but I couldn’t leave. The intention was there and I thought it through so much I promise I tried but the grief hit so hard. I wonder what is there left to let go of. I hate to see myself crying of frustration, anger, regret, remorse, shame, doubt. I hate to see my eyes get red and swollen because my body can’t contain the emotions, because I have to release the emotional agony some way some how. What’s the purpose of this? I ask myself why and how am I in this situation again. He thinks that by respecting my body and purity and by being “loyal” (at least by his own definition) is enough but I can’t get him to understand that it isn’t. Some times I think what if he does understand it and his goal is to play mind games again, to wear me down again to the point where I’m so ******* and tired of repeating myself, of expressing my pain, of asking for change and not receiving any, so tired that I’ll eventually stop. Be quiet. Stay submissive. And take every dart that comes my way. I want to love and forgive but most of all it feels that I’m in need of love, the feeling is scary and I’m scared that I’ll settle for crumbs of love and half hearted efforts. Please don’t settle, please I beg you don’t settle. For a place that doesn’t feel safe, for a relationship that hurts more than it helps. Don’t settle and don’t convince yourself no one will love you. Don’t let your heart believe that your unlovable because you aren’t. You are beautifully and wonderfully made by the creator of all things. He sees you with loving eyes as a father sees his daughter. All the things your heart and soul need the Lord has already given you. He is the only one who can fulfill al your needs. He provides safety, protection, reassurances, love. He wants to spend quality time with you, he blesses you and spoils you with gifts, he sees you, I promise he hears you. He takes you seriously, he sees your talents and how you’ll use them, he knows your worth, he sees your special. Please believe that you are loved. It’s been so long you can’t love feeling broken, taken advantage of and unloved. Even if no one on earth loved you, God loves you. His love his kindness and grace is worth more than what any human can ever give you. I love you, everything will be okay. Dear younger me.