You're enough

Dear future M, To be honest, I'm not sure what frame of mind you'll be in when you read this. I do hope you're in a much better headspace than you were on this hot August night when you wrote this. You've been pushed into this headspace because your dad is still being the **** he was in January and you really haven't spoken to him since then. At the time I'm writing this, I'm angry, frustrated, and sad. I'm really mad at everyone and everything. I'm mad that it seems things never really align for me. I'm angry there's always a 'but' with everything great that happens to me. I have a great job but... I finally have an apartment to myself but... I'm alive but... I finally found a boy I really like but... Perhaps this last one, the most recent of the buts in my life is the one that hurts worse than others. It's recent. It's fresh, so of course, it hurts the most. I met an amazing young man whilst whiling away on a dating app. He was supposed to be one of those flings - just a mere distraction, but he's somehow become everything. He's beautiful. He's smart. He makes me feel great about myself. He makes me feel things I never thought I could have felt. Because of him, I see that maybe physical touch is actually one of my love languages. Why wouldn't I, when he never shies away from holding me, touching me, making me feel loved? See I have never been with anyone who was so unbothered about the world seeing us when we're together. It's not like the other boys did anything to make me feel like they were ashamed to be with me. It's that they did nothing. And that's the problem. With O, it's different. He holds my hands in public. He hugs me in front of the world. He whispers sweet nothings and does not shy away from grabbing me no matter where we are. That's a big deal when you have body image issues like me. People tell me I am beautiful. He makes me FEEL that I am beautiful. The past couple of weeks have been the most amazing weeks of my life. But they've also been the most nerve-wracking. I keep questioning why a man like that likes a girl like me. What does he see in me that I don't see? And then the overthinking sets in. "Does he really like me or is he out for something?" "Is he talking to other people the way he's talking to me? Is he making other girls feel special the way he does me?" "When will he leave me?" I don't want to ask these questions but the sad part is I feel like they always leave. Every person I love, somehow always leaves. A part of me knows that this is just me overthinking as usual...me trying to sabotage the one good thing I have going for me right now. Yes, I'm insecure but some of that insecurity is justified. Because deep down, no matter how long we're together, or how long he makes me happy for, I know it's going to have to end someday. The 'when' is what I just don't know. Yes, he's perfect. He's pretty much all I'm looking for in a man. But he doesn't share the same religious beliefs as I do. And that's a big one. There's also the fact that he's leaving for school soon. See where the buts lie? So I'm back at being sad and angry. Mad that I never get to have it all. Mad that something always has to stand in the way of me being completely happy. Why can't I just have this? I told myself I was just going to coast through this and enjoy this. That I was just going to live through the experience of being lathered in love by this man. That I would have fun and not overthink this. But I don't know if I really can. With the passing of each day, I like this man more and more. I don't want to fall in love with him so maybe I should just run away as I usually would. But whether I do or not, one thing I'm sure of is that this would hurt like a mf. So I hope that when you're reading this letter in the future, you've really healed from this hurt. I hope that you're happy and fulfilled and have somehow hacked this thing called life. I hope that you've finally found that everlasting love and you're not going to overthink your way into tears as you are right now. I hope you finally see that you're an amazing young woman who deserves the best things in life, love inclusive. I hope that you finally realize that you are enough. Love, Past, teary-eyed, sad M