A letter from Aug 5th, 2021

It's exactly 1 in the morning. I just finished watching a random video about this anime character's character development. God I love him so much it literally affects me as a person. He's so passionate it inspires me more than anything else which sounds pretty stupid because imagine getting so attached to an anime character but who cares. Speaking of passion. We're not sure about that yet. I'm gonna keep figuring it out. One thing that really makes me envy someone is when they are passionate about something and they're so sure of it. They are working on it, they know exactly what they need to do and what steps to take to get closer and closer to achieving their goals. I like to think I have that kind of thing going for me. But some days I really do doubt my entire being as a person. What do I even love doing. Maybe I'm just pretending like I have my shit together. Another thing I did realize though is that I don't really care much about having romance at all. Why do I think I care so much about that. Like goddamn I wanna have friends to hang out and spend good times with. That's literally one of the best things ever. So if there's anything that's becoming really clear to me is that I should look forward to making genuine friendships. They're worthwhile. I actually envy wholesome friendships more than I envy people in romantic relationships. Stop looking for romance. Don't force it. Let it come naturally. Focus on platonic bonds (that sounds like chemistry shit). Don't let modern society make you forget what really matters. That's another thing that has become really clear to me. It's that casual dating is really not for me. I don't think I will ever engage in one. I don't think I ever should. The idea of it never seemed to appeal to my state of being in general (whatever that means). The point I'm trying to make is that I must always find ways to detach myself from modern society. It's modern viewpoints and it's modern way of how you should be living your life. I just feel like the most time I feel closer to my dream reality is in those rare moments when I completely detach myself from the modern world and I suddenly see myself in third person (it's hard to explain). Those rare moments often occur when I watch something and it completely reminds me of the kind of life I really want to be living in. It makes me aware that I seem to have forgotten my sense of self and that I got fully sucked into the modern world yet again. So as much as possible I want to be able to detach myself from this jail cell of a modern society and always be reminded that this isn't the only way I can live life. There are other ways I can view my life from, other ways I can see myself living like. These moments are honestly so surreal it's so hard to explain without sounding sappy and shit. Anyways. I wanna continue improving myself and my own outlooks. I want to discover more about this life and not feel trapped. Whenever I remind myself that there are ways to get out of all the gray modern world it's when everything around me starts to get colorful. It's those times where I actually feel like I just step foot into that dream reality I've been looking forward to for as long as I can comprehend whatever the hell I'm talking about. I just have this feeling that something good is coming and it's close. Something really out of this world kind of good is really close. I know it.